alidzain

Aug 19, 2014

This poem is part of the workshop:

A NEW FORM ( let's begin)

(Read More...)

Description:A shop exploring a new form of poetry which can encompass almost any form. It's called "Morphing" and an example will be shown below. We will first discuss the form then will each write their own poem using the form and then comment on one another's poems. There are very few "wrong" ways to write using this form and whatever form you prefer will be able to be used within your poem. This is going to be a fun and participant driven shop of short duration so don't be afraid to join in

Leader: Stan Holliday
Moderator(s):

Objectives: Learn about and use a new poetry form which also will require the use of at least 2 established forms. A secondary function will be to get writers to venture out of comfort zone of their preferred form without having to write an entire poem in an unfamiliar form.

Level of expertise: Open to all

Subject matter: Learn a completely new form of poetry while also stretching out of our comfort zones. This new form is one in which a poem begins in one form and then changes form as the subject matter changes.
Example : "Widow's Retreat"

At sixty years
the telephone
bringing the news late at night

An accident
on his way home.
mad dash to the hospital
...too late.....

The daze
of death cetificates
coffin choices
hushed sad voices
busy work
then finally

alone

For almost all her life
she's been a part of someone else
a teenage girlfriend
mother
wife......

Now the kids are grown and gone
as expected, as should be
but facing even one more day
of cold nights for eternity?

She maintains her brave fascade
rehearsed words and false cheer
while secretly she cursed God
for putting her through such a trial

So inwardly her spirit drifts
to a place which she calls Avalon
where lovers never endure rifts.
A place of warm eternal dawns.

Where everyone stays seventeen,
where tears of loss are never shed,
where the leaves are always green
as on the day when they were wed

You'll often see her sitting there
as she travels in her rocking chair
eyes closed, a small smile on her face
to Avalon, her favorite place...

This workshop is closed.

The Knight, his Horse and The Dragon (New Form WS) Final Edit

(Here's the edited form)

The young knight stood tall,
His heart filled with pride
for he has been chosen
to be the dragon slayer

He rode on his horse,
fully clad in steel armor,
cloaked in all grandeur.
hailed as the great warrior

When the time came for battle,
the knight cried, "Onward my steed!"
but his horse lose its mettle
and fled from the dragon, it did!

The knight was struggling,
shouting and cursing
his scared horse kept on running,
while the dragon chased them, laughing

Her voice startled birds
which started flying blindly.
and fate sealed her doom,
none too soon.

Crashing into a mountain,
she died with a broken neck
while the fuming knight returns
his smoking hind raised, charred black

So that's how,dear friends
"Sir Bottoms Up" got his name
with his sword still sheathed.

Thus ends this humorous tale,
so let the bard has his ale!

(Original form)

The young knight stood tall,
his name hailed by all
for he was chosen to be
a great dragon slayer.

He rode on his horse,
fully clad in steel armor,
cloaked in all grandeur

"Wait for me dragon!"he said.
My sword's blade will seal your fate!

When the time comes for battle,
the dragon's roar shook the world,
the knight longs to charge ahead,
but his horse turns its head

The knight keeps struggling,
his scared horse keeps on fleeing,
The dragon keeps chasing

She laughed at the puny man
and his worthless, frightened steed

Her voice startled birds
which started flying blindly.
and fate sealed her doom,
none too soon.

Crashing into a mountain,
she died when she broke her neck
while the fuming knight returns
his smoking hind raised, charred black

Thus ends the tale of the young knight
who was known as "Sir Bottoms Up",
the knight who wins without a fight
and wished the telling bard will shut up.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I began with free verse, morphed into rhyming, then ended the poem with a tanka.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson

Comments

Alid

Good fun, when we capture the theme and make fun of things.
A little thing that could be sorted:-

the knight charged ahead,
facing the might that is great.

The knight keeps struggling,
his scared horse keeps on fleeing,
The dragon keeps chasing

Now here some place before the fleeing, the crazed horse must turn its head and flee with the knight in dread of being a crisp fried tale.
Will await your edit to this part, Yours Ian.T
Sorry forgot to mention that the move from set stanzas to free and then back to rhyme didn't bother me so they must have been smooth.

I see the movement

from structured rhyme to . . . mmm . . . not sure what to call it, maybe free verse? Not sure. In this case, I found the move to free verse disappointing, maybe because with the theme I expect a rhyme throughout. The opening rhyme got me into a good pace then I was sorry to lose it.

Hi there!

Thank you for the visit and the comment. Gonna wait for more comments/critiques and suggestions to see how to edit this new form.

Alid

The edit has ironed out all the problems.
Now I know which way they ran lol.
Take care out there and look to the sunrise,
it will be special this new day.
Give my best thought to all in your household.
Yours, Ian.T

You too, Ian

Have a good day.

Alid

Salam Khalid

It's nice to get your hand to new directions, I think. Writing funny stuff is the most difficult for me till the moment. So, well done.

As for the morphing, I don't consider a one stanza with aabc a rhyming stuff. I thought the whole piece went free, blank verse with pretty clean rhythm all through, then a last structured rhyming abab stanza which I don't think works well in the end, but would have worked better to to show the abruptness of the horse at the middle of the poem.
But these are only my thoughts. I think this morphing thing needs some few poems to be written before getting it right and spotting the right form and place to state it.

And much is left for the reader's mood, I believe.

Anyhow, i think we all have our time to read ours more before deciding any edits.

Salaam, Rula

You might be right about that ending part. Anyway, this is still in the works. I'll see what others might suggest to help me improve. Thanks for the feedback.

Alid

Hj

I think you are beginning to catch on. I agree with Arrow that having the first two lines rhyme might be a mistake. If anything they should be unstructured free form so that the following more structured free verse would be a change. You might also consider in the next to last stanza having the 2nd and 4th line rhyme in order to ease the reader into the final stanza. And your bane, mixed tenses, needs to be addressed also.

The poem itself has a bit of tipping at windmills humors going which will probably be enhanced in the edit.
Don't do any more edits until I call for them though. .............stan

Noted, Stan

Thanks for the feedback.

Alid