Aug 13, 2014

Red Lipped Lover

Hey there
Red lipped lover,
You say
You don’t got time
To be at my side,
Hopeless lies,

But you,
End up somewhere every time
And call me every night,
To go cry on my shoulder,
Hopeless lover,

I said,
I don’t have time
You said,
I wanna be right at your side
Hold me under bright lights,
Hopeless nights,

Because,
I left all our lights back home,
Left you all alone

No one to pull that dress a little higher
My Red Lipped Lover.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Read Slowly...But quickly at the same time.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: California

Comments

I said,

I said,
I don’t have time
Those are my favorite
"You said,
I wanna be right at your side
Hold me under bright lights,
Hopeless nights,

Because,
I left all our lights back home,
Left you all alone."

sadness wraps some lonely nights or have I missed the message search .
I see this is a polished draft, so thought no need to give any suggestions.

Enjoyed the read.

Thanks

Hey Rula, thanks for reading.

I think you're spot on with a certain aspect of the poem. I like to think there are a few other meanings in there, and it's open to interpretation of course, and however we choose to relate it to our lives. I'll leave it at that to keep it mysterious :D

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it.

active content

this is more moving...movement in the poem
more dynamic outward then the observance of my
works....like i live....

live here....live there and in doing so am so observed..
our fishbowl certainties..

i see the action in this poem and its different then my
poems and i like it...
because i can relate to the poem because i can make
the connection to my life...such as liking my coffee shops
but no one talks to me because im so far out there...
or the myth which is pretty true and untrue
and then the picking up of trash that i do because
it takes the five minutes..and its not about the people
its about how it looks to me....visually..
its more surreal without the garbage
and anyway i dont usually have much money
to actually sit and enjoy any of these places
but im forcing myself too these days and in doing
so am becoming a bit more approachable
...

red ripped......ha..makes me think of a lot of people
i knew of..and knew....some wit and fun and
some hurtful things too..

helping them prepare for their days or nights
away.....bar...next town..next door sometimes
when the end drew to a conclusion on that..

the people in love with myself as this character
more then a solid stable persona and person
i pushed them away..
the ones i thought would visually be an interesting
match and who thought like me were terrible
matches because we cancelled each other
out so much....that and impossible odds to
begin with....

i dont and wont spend my money on fiction
but i write so much of it here...
authenticity gives you experience that allows
you to write fiction....
not the fiction of experience...
why all the good fake written books about
this and that are on the sale table in the mall hall
for all those who dont care to know what is a good
writer or not...they merely enjoy reading
rather then reading about living

the sake of and all that...

i like this for the sly context
and the surly but not bitterness

i truly am bitter but now at fifty
am unsure if thats because its only
to cover the fact that i probably
cant sustain relationships because
i like all the aspects of broken
which is a great creative acre

but ive had some great creative
broken relationships

this one was great to read
easy to grasp in its flow
not disjointed like mine

for me nothing was ever mine
and sometimes people like
that feeling
safe for them
in all the chaos of being
that

illusions....power and control
etc.....

writers make fortunes off this
while others just write of
the fortunate and unfortunate

thank you

the people in love with myself..

a thought break there....im forcing myself too to get out
of this loop of thought.....as this character...
that line too...

my ongoing day to day.....
i still see things as a business...
all the rest come in..thrill.excitement
discipline parameter
a lot of this doesnt work on some people
they in turn appear to be freely being with
someone...but they are equally as frustrated

i helped sell woodstoves and real estate
and construction jobs..big enough ones..
all for a time

complex intelligent women
anyway this poem is giving me answers
reminding me about others who along the
way lived larger then i did....i looked larger
but i held back a lot....the women just moved
on....my inner peace...here comes the old hippy
talk and im not a hippy.....comes from just outer
stuff.....kicking about on my own...walks..thinking
writing here.....letting go of all the control which
is scary....these women can live their lives okay
without me...not going t come crashing down

like the detailing wih the momentum

thank you..

you don't got time

ok perhaps the has become the accepted norm in English .but not by me.
No matter what style of poetry you are writing proper use of the language makes a very large difference.

The meaning of the poem is there but I feel the way it is presented gets lost it does not seem to follow through
If the person calls you to cry on your shoulder the
To go cry on my shoulder is improper" as they are coming to you( to cry on your shoulder)

end up somewhere every time what if you threw in "else" as in somewhere else , I think this is what you were trying to convey
teh rest of the poem is confusing