Your rancid odour penetrates my mind
I didn't know that you were behind
A split second of smell sent me to my hell
You grabbed my throat, my senses reeled.
The physical side could always heal
Bastard thoughts have infected my mind
each day I have to live it still, I am now ill.
You cursed animal of the lowest, infested me
Pills and drugs never before known are mine
Reflecting on this corrupt societies demise,
This scum of our race should be thrown away
Yet you dregs of the Earth, can still roam free
How long I hid, it just wasn't for me
I stalked him, my blade gave me liberty
they say now in this dock, I am placed.
It was me, going to lose this biased race.
Comments
Hello Ian
i wonder who is "you" in this poem.
Alid
Alid
I sit here at the computer in the evening from 11-12 and answer comments, then I have time to write a piece.
Most as this one are fiction, this is a story where the reader has to see, who is in the wrong, what happens, and the end, where the victim is in the dock, probably for taking revenge for being attacked.
An abstract working to make you take a position in the story, thanks for your visit, and glad to hear that you are doing OK.
Yours Ian.T
rancid
is like bacteria
thank god its not
ebola
Loved
In this context the word rancid is used as an odour, that is given off by something that is not good, as the reference to butter that is way past its bed time.
Thanks for coming back on this one,
Take care young Bard see you soon, Yours Ian.T
awww Ian
rancid I know
my dentist says
my mouth shows so
sour be the taste
even bacterias love sugary
and ebola
takes away everything
have you yet not heard of it
read papers daily
rancid is still sweet
with ebola
death we surely meet
Loved
There are some things that bother me and one is the attitude of wait and see when a virus such as Ebola kills so many people and as you can see the USA has imported the odd sick person for treatment, knowing the only cure is a natural one as the old bubonic was in its early stages, still we will learn maybe.
Then Aids has been swept under the carpet as most countries hide the figures, Take care stay in your home , Yours Ian.T
Just the use of the word rancid impresses me in this
I have often felt you held back from gut emotion to express your more spiritual side. Why not name the fuckings shits and cunts, arsholes and pricks who sour our lives?
I know you are a man of deep, powerful passion and emotions yet you somehow feel it is inappropriate to express them. I know we all have skeletons in our closets and sometimes storytellling iis the best way of expressing them without getting locked up.
Crits
My throat grabbed, my senses did reel.
My throat grabbed, my senses reeled [it is more real]
You used rancid 4 times. Too much. Check a thesaurus or some very bad language.
Jess
thanks for your read and advice, I put the word Rancid in lines
1-2-3-4 of stanzas 1-2-3-4.
Thought I had seen this as a form of writing some place, I probably got it wrong, so will change as you suggest.
I have no need to use a Thesaurus where swearing is concerned I use to be in the military lol,
Hope you are OK and coping with us here I shall revise my words now so hang in there.
Yours as always Ian.
You may have noticed from recent activity I am on the mend,
thanks for your concern.
Jess
It is great to have you here to torment us, I must say in the best way.
I have corrected the piece without the four Rancid's, and even for you put a Bastard in there, lol,
I could even make it stronger, but that as you say most times isn't me.
Hope you like the replay, it makes a little more sense now, Yours as always, Ian
Love the revisions!
Do you feel it gives it more guts? Rancid was a good start but there are way worse things than slightly off food.
Jess
thanks for your feedback it has as always helped me to be more expressive.
Do you think I should be a bit more aggressive in some of the writes, I feel it is not any harder to do, as above I get asked which part is me but that is always hidden from many lol.
Take care young Elf we all love you, Yours Ian
You need an Alex Machette
you remember him? My evil twin brother who sometimes hijacks my posts and says the most vile, abusive things imaginable.
He serves a good purpose and provides a great alibi [grins]
Me
I saw a comment can't recall who wrote it but it was an Elf historic list LOL, but I hope you don't mind me using it's foundation to write , Yours Ian.
I can't remember Alex but he sounds like a bad Digit lol