across from me she sits
choking a butt
in her steady manicured fingers
we exchange what could have been
glances of amusement or a study for observable regret
"He really deserved it, I wonder why I waited so long."
That was the first thing she said
after a whole hour in silence
" I am so stoked you were there with me."
She snuffed out her cigerette as if to puncuate herself
"Ah, the look on the slobs face."
some how all my confusion and nausea
faded with her exhale that settled into a
sinister smile...
something or someone
is crossing her mind
secretly I am relieved
that it was not me
Jul 20, 2014
Sinister Mistress
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I liked this theme,
a murder tale from the beta male. The lines were too short for me, a choppy read. When I think of the mistress I think of someone both sinister and sinuous so I want longer lines. I thought the last two lines were a strong end.
thank you
I will place it back on the construction table and see what may fill it out. You are welcome to colaberate a bit on it as well.. maybe if I connected some of the lines existing and added a few verses in a few
More stanzas.
Thanks.
David
David
This as you say needs a bit of attention to joining words, it came out as a list just needs to be smoothed a little, I shall wait for your edit, Yours Ian.T