While crocheted in a gloomy mood
only death seemed to seam my breath.
It loomed those silky threads and sewed
coffins in white, to suit my death.
It unlaced my dreams forever
and buttoned tightly a dress 'nstead.
unseaming every brave endeavor,
to punch with gauds a heart, now dead.
Last Few Words: Sorry for the mood of this. I don't know where did it come from, yet it came. :(
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
Silently in the dark of night thoughts flow, sometimes too deep and against the light of daily ways. That they arrived and you captured them is fine as long as you never dwell within their reach.
Good write there young lady, it made a change, just a little tidy needed to make excellent, Yours as always, Ian
Dear Ian
what you said! Hope I have captured that moment
the best it could be done, no more, no less.
Thank you!
Best of...
the moment. You did just that. ~ Gee
Thank you Gee
Great to have you on my page!
Appreciate it really !
Dearest Rula
A delightful read yet there may be some logic issues as you move from lace and dress.
Thanks
Scott
Hello Scott,
I doubt it conveyed the meaning wanted, but when no one pointed it in particular, I thought it is OK.
So nice to hear from you.
Hope all is well.
Please let me know if it feels any better.
Still not to keen on that
Still not to keen on that line. Now it seems to break flow and didn't aid all that much with the logic issue. At a loss for a suggestion though. I will try to circle back later and perhaps something will come
another
try
Unseeming?
Unseeming?
Scott
thank you. Appreciate it again.
Hi Rula
Another example of some thoughts in the subconscious emerging into a conscious state (mood) and you did justice by converting them into verse...i liked the idea of seaming and un-seaming of life perhaps suggesting thereby that our present life is a cloak covering the soul..if so it fits well with the ideology of transformation of soul over a number of life spans.....i liked the title which made sense only after reading through your poem...
Regards..
Salaam, Rula
Love your poem. Somehow it inspired this one.
A Beautiful Death
Oh how fortunate was the family of Yassin!
They were among the first to embrace faith
who won against the men of sins
with their courage and belief unsullied.
Their wounds proved their devotion to God Almighty,
thus He freed them from a world of pain
and offered them a place in eternal heaven
Oh such a grand gift that they have gained,
to stand among the triumphant!
Alid
how beautiful
Amen to those who have faith in God!
They are the triumphant indeed.
If my writing really inspired this, I am really happy it did.
Thanks for sharing brother.
of divinity
YES!
For me
it is enough to look into the endless blessings that I have; hearing, listening andsight are only some to mention.
whatever goes wrong is a human made not of God's.
Powerful little poem. Sewn
Powerful little poem. Sewn coffin, that's a first for me,
what an idea- although it might stem from the fact that
most people in your country wear robes, long enough
to be twined into a coffin, there being not so many trees
nearby of which to make one. Eerie.
Love Ann