This time, my love, I want us to be slow
and kiss each other all around
from side to side, from head to toe.
I want us to forget about each care
that weighs like stone upon our minds
and let love take us unaware.
Let's just get lost in each sustained caress
and let our passion guide us through.
Let's do whatever we like best.
We need no other motive than to love,
seeking out each other's pleasure
as if it were a pearl or gold.
There is no other glittering treasure
for us to find before we're old.
Comments
good start
Personally I love the reason you wrote this. I think a little more detail for her in the final would be better. Acknowledge how money troubles are only a temporary thing in the long run. How true passion will outlive this temporary setback if you persist together. I would start with that before moving into your...um...wooing and giving her your intentions. And if not, maybe that could be the topic for another poem. Either way I hope the best for you
Having thought over
your comment, I have come to the conclusion that it was influenced by the remark I made somewhere about rowing over money. I don't think it's necessary to go into such detail in a love poem. The important thing here is just to express love. But I take the point about a possible further poem.
Best wishes,
Robert.
Robert
Firstly welcome to Neopoet site, we are primarily a workshop but we manage to be relaxed most times.
The stream is for your works that hopefully will be critiqued, then you will find the odd workshop being started so feel free to join us as you can.
I notice that not only in this write but your profile you seem to be asking what to do and also giving the solution to the problem, this is poetry for many where they receive help in self expression.
Feel free also to ask of our poets things for your poetry, there is the Personal Messages for other uses.
I see you attended Cambridge and didn't complete, well you surely learnt something lol, we have all people from all levels of education ,but maybe you will find that in the most simplistic write there is the most wisdom.
Enjoy your walk with us, Yours Ian.T (Yenti, Sparrow, and all the children here)
Your welcome
Many thanks for your welcome. I didn't really expect my comment in my profile about rowing over money to be taken into account when people read my poems. The expression "forget about each care" however was indeed written with financial woes in mind. But anyway I don't think a romantic poem should go into such mundane concerns too much, as its main purpose is to exalt love.
Best wishes,
Robert.
I agree...
with Ian, as I said to another new poet, it is not enough to just throw some words that rhyme in there. You should have a clear pattern and rhythm. Unless it is free-form and even then, there should be nice rhythm to
the words and they will flow together in each verse. I suggest that you read the verses out loud to yourself and you will see what I mean. It is very difficult to write in three line verses, you have to pay close attention to the words you use so that it flows well. I don't often do it, because it is so difficult. I usually write my works in quatrains. [ lines of four ] they tend to flow better. Hope this helps and welcome to Neopoet. ~ Geezer
Throwing rhyme together
I have thought about this comment a little since it was made. I think that people who "throw rhyme together" are those who consciously search for rhyme, often forcing the language of the poem in order to achieve it. I prefer to let rhyme crop up naturally here and there, without bending meaning. I don't really agree with your idea that the poem should follow a strict pattern of rhyme and rhythm either. Why can't we write free-form with a little naturally occurring rhyme now and then when it sounds right? And I do read my poems out loud. The problem is that they sound fine the way I read them, at least to me...
Best wishes,
Robert.
i guess it might...
be helpful to have something that tells the reader which form a person is using when the poem is posted.
I made the assumption, [ and yes, I know the adage ] that you were writing in Western structured form and made a rather badly written structured rhyming poem. You asked for critique on your pattern and rhythm and I gave it to you. I think I will let someone else critique your work in the future, until I have a better grasp of your direction. ~ Gee
I'm very grateful
for your critique, which is why I thought long and hard about it. But just as you have a right to criticise I think I have a right to defend myself against criticism. It's all in good faith, I know, so please don't hesitate to give me further critiques on other work.
Best wishes,
Robert.
It's not...
about right to critique. Or you defending your position. We are all here to help each other make the best poetry that we can. I do not use critique to arbitrarily demean another's work. I'm sorry we have gotten off to such a bad start. I hope that we might have a better grasp of each other's work in the future. Thanks you for being so understanding. ~ Gee
Dear Robert
We have never met but I have already read some of your other poetry on the web lol... I thoroughly enjoyed your first posting, there are shades of someone in your writings and I cant ever put my finger on it... lovely poem
kudos
kindest regards Jayne
Dear Jayne
My next comment was actually meant for you, but I got confused somewhere. Your positive reply filled me with hope after other rather negative ones. As for the shades of someone I read a lot of Shakepeare, Petrarch, Dante, Du Bellay, Metaphysicals and 16th and 17th century English poetry in general when I was a university, and hopefully some of it influenced me.
Best wishes,
Robert.
I agree with Geezer
The rhythm stumbles in a few places and smoothing it out would make it lovely.
This time, my love, I want us to be slow
and kiss each other all around
from side to side, head to toe.
I want us to forget about each care
that weighs like stone upon our minds
and let love take us over unaware
vs.
This time, my love, I want us to be slow (10)
and kiss each other all around (8)
from side to side, from head to toe. (8)
It's time, my love, to blow off ev'ry care (10)
that weighs like stone upon our minds (8)
and let love take us unaware (8)
Personally, I prefer the longest line last so something like:
Let's kiss each other all around
from side to side, from head to toe
This time, my love, I want us to be slow
Remove the stones upon our minds
Oh, let love take us unaware
It's time, my love, to blow off ev'ry care
Well, play around and see what you think. This poem is a fun toy to play with.
Your comment
Many thanks for your encouraging comment. I am still trying to take in some of the previous, less positive remarks made by other poets, but I find it hard to consider changes as this poem just felt right the way it came out. Perhaps after a week or two...
Robert
Your love for each other is of the Spiritual side it has no physical bounds,
Now you have mixed it with money, there it sits as a pile of gold cold and indifferent as a piece of ice, it is physical and can inflict Pain only on physical things, now having mixed up the two confusion will reign.
I was married for 36 years and we coped, yet the money fluctuated from zero to enough, then it was the invisible things that kept the love alive, not sure what advice to give you except separate the two, Yours Ian.T..
Write another Piece
New version
I have edited this poem following the suggestions of some fellow poets regarding the original, but I'm not sure if I have improved it...
Robert
I see the wisdom of the great bear has rubbed off on you.
Your edit has brought this up a grade or two, some will now say that it is a theme that has been thrashed to death many times but we all have a go.
Now to your new writes as all poets they must come from your thoughts of a subject or something that is unique to you and your life's journey.
I await your new writes, Yours Ian.T
I shall send you the bits I wrote of the Wisdom of the Great Bear then you will know what I'm talking about..
Old hat
I agree that the subject is old hat but surely each attempt adds a new twist here or there, and many ancient themes are ancient because they're important. Many thanks for your comment anyway.
Best wishes,
Robert.
Robert
Welcome to Neopoet. Much has already been said / commented upon before me. Love is such such a profound experience, therefore it's no wonder that it would be expressed often even in poetic verse. Making love without inhibitions is the catalyst which I believe is the theme of your poem, to re-discover / re-vitalize love diminished due to various extraneous facets of life. I only have one specific suggestion about maintaining the structure of the poem...you may think about maintaining the three line sequence even in the concluding stanza...
Will look forward to read more of your posts..
Regards,
Your suggestion
is a good one, and had in fact already gone through my mind. I'll try to come up with something in the coming days, if I can just 'forget about the cares that weigh' for a while!
Best wishes,
Robert.
Robert
As stated before on my rewrite I have now taken it off and will say this poem has been beaten to death and back so will await your newer pieces.
Hope you can see other ways of presenting this, I will delete this tomorrow after you have read it.
Yours Ian.T
Many thanks
for your effort in writing this version, but I don't think I'll be able to follow it up myself. It's as if my poem had a life of its own now, and doesn't want me to muck around with it too much any more.
Best wishes,
Robert.
Hi Robert,
I wanted to let you know I read your poem and
do like the direction you are going, although I don't
feel you've quite got it where you want it. I can only
tell you what is missing for me, the need, the absolute
need to get it back or find it again, not sure how you can
put that on paper, but that's what is missing (for me).
Love poems can be so hard to create any uniqueness,
less descriptive on the props and more on the inner common
traits we all share.
Richard
Well, yes,
it is a bit superficial, but I'm not sure if I can turn it into something more profound at this stage. Thanks for the comment.
Best wishes,
Robert.