From great distance in dark of night
a jewel shines with its own light
seen from these soaring mountain ridges,
are tall skyscrapers and lacy bridges.
Too far to hear the throbbing noise,
the trucks and trains reduced to toys
flowing through the asphalt arteries
spewing chemicals on urban breeze.
You can"t see the filth and desperation
through miles of night and separation,
and I can"t see the jumbled masses
of middle, upper or lower classes.
Just a blazing diamond in the dark,
each person's just another spark,
so I'll stay here far, far away
and not look there in light of day.
Comments
hi Ian
Having been offline for a couple of months, all places have seemed distant. Thanks for the read and kind comment..........stan
I like the theme and message,
the rhyming works well,
but the meter is all over the place like a madman's breakfast. I think a little thought to the flow and construction could improve this immeasurably,
hi Jess
You know me...write first then refine lol. Thanks for the read and advice ( and for not showing full picture in avatar lmao............stan
hint:
I was naked, yes your worst nightmare confirmed [grins]
I do not know whether I can comment here
but your maiden poem
after resurrection,
from that far away distance,
is like a jewel just unearthed
by excavators in search,
out in the open lurch
my deer friend
and well-wisher...Stan .
hi loved
your comments are always welcome as are any others. When I get caught up with correspondences I hope to get back to reading all my friends again.........stan
Please do
read my message
ere
I
ere!
Nice...
to see you back, Stan. As always, your rhyming is super. I too want to see this "refined". Hope you missed us as much as we missed you. ~ Gee
hi Gee
Very good to be back. Am slowly working a few changes into this. Always tinkering with my stuff. Thanks for dropping by.................stan
small changes, great effect
well done on the revisions.
Your eccentric use of meter has indeed become a trademark of your poetry, I see it now used with concious effect, even if you don't [grins]
See
I actually Do go back to stuff and revise . And one needs to first know the rules before he/she can effectivelt break them I think........stan
Dearest Bro
I simply loved this, I cant find fault (though I didn't go through the revisions I know bad me) I'll explain later ...
Beautiful
much love Jayne xxx
Howdy
It's kinda amazing to me how a person can let a poem sit a while then return and almost instantly spot ways to improve it. No need bother with checking revision. The changes are not as important as the final product anyway lol. Hope all is going well with you and thanks for dropping by.........stan PS I'm not saying this Is the final product but it is the improved one
wonderful imagery
I like how this write draws in the reader and then leaves them grasping for more.
greetings
Both to neopoet and my little page. If you have questions about site feel free to ask me or any other member. I appreciate your time to drop by and leave such kind comment.....stan