When alone, you fill my mind,
out of reach it makes tears.
The dawn becomes dull.
Sunsets a grey shadow.
Now you’re gone from view.
How can I get through to you?
Where are you that I may try?
To hell with proper ways.
I lived with them, all my days
I won’t change tracts.
Give me more strength,
I have purpose to eclipse stars.
I grow weak, without you.
Why did we go separate ways?
It’s etched into my thoughts.
I should not cry at things I see.
They haven’t hurt you or me.
Is it because I have a gentle soul?
Then why did you let me go?
I should have stayed at your side.
Now on my own, tears fall.
It is correct they bother none,
It’s my life, I give to all.
One day they have said to me,
we will be together for eternity.
What of their lies, making us so?
What if there is no eternity to share?
Have I wasted years, just sitting here?
Do tell me! Who are you, this mess?
Am I a sheep like all the rest?
Comments
I don't have...
to be sensitive to hear the anguish here. In this work, I think shorter is better.
Your sentences could be shorter and still give the same sense.
I will give you an example of what I mean:
1] When I'm alone, you pass my mind
2] You're out of reach, it makes me cry
3] Dull are the daybreaks
4] and grey are the sunsets
5] Now that you're gone from me
Hope this helps, ~ Gee
Gee
A bit fictional but could have been reality lol.
I just sat and wrote it and as usual putting on stream as a rough copy.
Thank you for our read, I will attend to the line lengths ASAP, Yours as always, Ian.T
Gee
Just little ole me again I have altered the main poem shortening the lines as you suggest, let me know if it is better now or have I to buy a new drawing board,
Take care yours as always, Ian.T
You still could...
shorten the lines a bit more and still make sense of them. Look closer at my suggestions and see that even though there are less words, they still give the impact needed to make the poem. if you still feel the need to add something to define what you are trying to say, just add another line, not make the others longer. ~ Gee
Gee
Thanks for your advice it has been accepted and the piece edited plus a few extra parts I thought needed pruning.
Go well both of you, my unconditional love to you both,
Yours Ian.T
Your title gives a smelly feeling ...poetry should be
tasty..
don't you think Ian Dear
Loved
The title was to find readers of this one, my other one wasn't working so I thought that to put a smelly title others would read, but seeing you only read the title from your comment I must think of another way to find poets to read my poems lol, Yours Ian.T
how happy will Jess be
you amongst others ...like me
have joined a group
we may call
THE WHINERS
NOT WINERS
Be as smelly as you want to be
but thank me the vapors of glory
spread far and wide ....
my quill never says a bit of lie
it says what it must
and hence in me
if not my quill
your trust entrust
nice metafory in a form of a smelly story
eh Ian!
how happy will Jess be
you amongst others ...like me
have joined a group
we may call
THE WHINERS
NOT WINERS
Be as smelly as you want to be
but thank me the vapors of glory
spread far and wide ....
my quill never says a bit of lie
it says what it must
and hence in me
if not my quill
your trust entrust
nice metafory in a form of a smelly story
eh Ian!