DEAD PINE (brought back for "serving poet" shop)..edit

loved this piece with two meanings as usual one of real scenes and the other of thinking about our own frailty, we live we die it is that living that is the important thing and how straight you stood as a person.
It is so true that the world is use to seeing old people without their needles,
Jess has said that it needs hardly any editing may be we need one of yours that is not so good in your eyes as this one needs little critique.
Yours as always Ian.T
PS:- Stop worrying about this age thing you will be called when it is time, they haven't made a beautiful place for you yet..
The main thing I found that niggled the piece, it was the line with the time passing on twice, surly you can find a good line without that double..

and where are the suggestions for improvements? That is the point of this workshop. As I said in the Workshop thread " finding no room for improvement is not in the scope of this shop. If the poem is perfect, choose another."

OOOps, so sorry, didn't realise this had already been posted. Ian, however use the opportunity to help Stan out with this one.

The imagery created is good establishing the context of Protagonist and the tree. A few observations which in my opinion you need to look at:-

1. In S 5 you have deviated from the sequence of other stanzas w.r.t. having a period at the end of L3
2. In S2 L2 I do not see a connection between "hunting" season and the tree. You may think of an alternative for hunting. May be Fall season would be in the context of the next Stanza which mentions "until the tree stood needle bare"
3. In S3 L1 the Stanza starts with And and the word and repeats in the same line. I suggest you replace the first "And" with may be "As"
4. In S 4 L3 perhaps replacing "the" with "a" could work better
5. For me, the length of L5 in S5 affects the rhythm, though at this stage i am not able to suggest an alternative, which I may try when I return to this one..

Other than the above, I liked this poem..it took me to the woods :)

Regards,

give all the reasons for doing what I will; I will just give it to you as I would do it.
1] beside a gravel road I drive
2] been years since it was alive
3] Died, I couldn't see a reason
4] something woodpeckers drummed upon
5] I've seen a horned owl perching there
6] I look, but do not linger
7] lest it come to fall on me
8] crush my truck beneath it's finger
9] Now I come around the bend
] shall I sigh or have despair?

Feel free to use or discard anything you want, as Jess says, anything to help the poet make it better.
~ Gee

I remember this poem. Good choice to bring back.

I like the language and the pace except for S3. I stumbled there more than once.

Where I am having the most difficult time is in the logic from S5 to S6. In S5 you stated that you seldom linger and more specifically were in a truck. All of a sudden in S6, you are the only one standing there. Did I miss something?

Thanks,

Scott

that usual, I didn't see the rhythm here. I guess you must just march to a different tune. Lol !
I do see improvement and hope that we gave you some good ideas! ~ Gee

I didn't question the last line because it was not wrong, it was a tone, a feeling that you revised, and it is better.