I found the note you left for me
then walked outside to catch my breath
and struck a match to light this fraud
to watch it slowly burn to ash.
And as the ash blew in the wind
it carried off your frequent lies;
I shed a tear for innocence
of wasted beats of broken hearts.
And now, I wait, impatiently,
for your return and promises
praying that I will find the strength
to send you on your faithless way.
Last Few Words: This is a study in tetrameter blank verse without concern for iamb or other things. The piece is not autobiographical, it is my imagining of the internal conversation I believe happens in abusive relationships.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Dear Jonathan
I thought this was a cracker there was real emotion in it, for me anyway, I do have one boggle I think the word 'and' is way over used but that's just my opinion I have a couple of suggestions for the first verse to show you what I think could be alternatives
I found the note you left for me
walking outside to catch my breath
I struck a match to light this fraud
and watched it slowly burn to ash.
that's just a couple of ideas let me know if you want some more suggestions I would be honoured to help
love Jayne x
Thank you
I admit, I struggle with the use of the word "and" as a cadence setter, almost as a type of punctuation but more than one person has made the observation that I might use the word or technique a tad much.
I'll revisit with your suggestions and see if I can't get the effect I want in a smoother manner.
Thank you.
Jonathan,
I looked at the revision, this is so much better.
I'd like to make a suggestion on a couple of line with your permission,
And as the ash blew in the wind
it carried off your frequent lies,
I shed a tear for innocence
(of wasted beats and broken hearts.)
And now, I wait, impatiently,
for your return and promises
(praying that I will find the strength)
to send you on your faithless way.
You are a romantic, this is a beautiful heart felt poem.
That last stanza cries out with the love that is still felt through the pain
it is a hard hitting verse and the home run ending.
Kudos!
Eddie
Thank you for the review and comments
I will be travelling over the next few days but will revisit this with your suggestions in mind.
Thanks again for the comments and suggestions.
Jonathan
A grand write simply put, correct in form, would love to see your version in free verse (Whoops) to be able to compare the two from the same poet.
Excellent write as per, Yours Ian.T
Ian, thank you
I updated with EC's suggestions because they were excellent.
I honestly and sincerely appreciate the comments and critique because it made the write better and smoother and while I may have stumbled upon the modifications eventually, in all likelihood, having talented people offer their insight is much preferred.
I will take a look at the poem as Free Verse. It is an interesting challenge.
Hi
I agree about so many lines beginning with "and" . I also struggle with this problem at times without even being aware that I'd begun as many with it lol. Here's a small list of alternates I have come up with to use in place of "and" : yet, when, where, as, even, so. I'll leave it to you to decide whether any of these will be of use in this poem. BTW, I like this poem because it does a very good job of displaying the protagonist's emotions. (But being me, I kept expecting to see a rhyme pattern)..............stan
This my favourite of your works for quite some time.
It quite had me convinced of its emotional veracity whereas I confess I sometimes find your work a little dry. The iambic tetrameter is flawless. I stumbled a little on
praying that I will find the strength
which I would parse as
praying/ that I/ will find/ the strength
but thaty is a mere quibble.
As usual your "Last few words: " shit me to tears. The poem needs no explication and it gives the piece a didactic feel.
My bugbear word, as it is with many is "but", so I made myself a mini thesaurus for just that word:
all the same, although, bar, barring, be that as it may, consequently, despite that, even so, except (for), excepting, excluding, for all that, however, in spite of that, just, merely , moreover, nevertheless, nonetheless, omitting, only, other than, otherwise, save, simply, still, though, with the exception of, yet.
Jess,
In the world, I let my poetry stand to be misunderstood or forgotten as it will.
In a poetry workshop, I like to state my intention so others can let me know how successful my attempt was with them. This gives me insight into how to write to various audiences.
For example, you find much of my work dry. I'd class it as restrained, hinting at emotion rather than reveling in it, but that's not important. I don't get to dictate how other's view my work, so I have to make adjustments and considerations for the audience I have.
So the "last words" are there to further the workshop element.