eye level by Ron Woodruff (BD77)
He arrives in a puff of smoke
thick and deep as neck high kings
lungs inhale, reel and choke
blues weep, fight as slide bites strings
his non-presence and a will to invoke
-
Feet of the musician hit the ground
it's not only tricks and illusions
it's the visual intrusion
of hearing and seeing him pound
-
no candor
no glory
all story
-
just a collision of man with talent and experience
to trip us up
water to gin
in a chalice,
no, a cracked shot glass.
Comments
Ron
Your language, as always, is superb.
I liked the rhythm especially the third stanza. I do think the last two lines could use a little more of a dramatic break. Up to you,. just my take.
topic is great, sounds like you may still be playing in a band
Beginning and end are solid with exception of my note above.
Logic is consistent throughout.
Enjoyed it.
Scott
Thanks Scott
I was more going for an old blues player in the 40's or 50's, emerging like a spectre in some gin joint and an unsuspecting crowd. I'm thinking Son House, Howlin' Wolf, Muddy Waters, or Robert Johnson. Thanks for the kind things you've said, I appreciate it.
Ron
Love the concept
and got what it was about, on third reading. Beautifully written, as usual. Maybe you should post something crappy to lower my expectations [grins].
The phrase "neck high kings" gave me a little trouble, my mental image was monarchs strung up after a revolution. Then again my mental images give me more than a little trouble!
Also "it's not only tricks and illusions". Why the word "only"?
Thanks Jess!
Yeah, I can see the issues with the words and phrases you've singled out. Neck High kings, embarrassingly enough, is simply (like the title) and allusion to the horizontal plane of smoke gathering in the juke joint. "Neck High Kings are just the men who towered above the layer of smoke. The same smoke that was......'eye level'.
Cool critique, thank you.
Ron
Bluedemon77