Rula

Mar 08, 2014

This poem is part of the workshop:

The right amount of imagery (let's begin)

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The Truth The Dead Know by Anne Sexton (The right amount of imagery WS

Gone , I say and walk from church,
As the stiff body embraces the grave
letting the dead cool at the hearse
it is Jun, battling the sun is being brave

We turn to the Cape, I cultivate
myself a sacred melody from the sky
where the sea bangs like an iron gate
and we touch. In this way people die.

My darling, the wind has often blown
from the raging water and when we touch
we lose the touch entirely. No one's alone.
Men kill for this, or for such

And what of the dead? They lie and lose
in their graves. They are more like a stone
than the sea would be in touch. They refuse
to be blessed, throat, eye and knucklebone

THE TRUTH THE DEAD KNOW by Anne Sexton

Gone , I say and walk from church,
.....the stiff...................grave
letting the dead.................the hearse
it is Jun, .........................being brave

We .........to the Cape, I cultivate
myself..............................from the sky
where the sea..................like an iron gate
and we touch. In .................people die.

My darling, the wind........................
from the ...........water and when we touch
...................touch entirely. No one's alone.
Men kill for this, or for........

And what of the dead? They lie............
in their............They are more like.........
than the sea would be............. They refuse
to be blessed, throat, eye and knucklebone.

Rhyming with abab pattern. *written for poet's dead mother

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This wasn't easy. In fact some stanzas especially the last two were really tough. This is the best I could do. Hope the whole thing makes sense and gives justice to the original.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Rula

I think you have done a splendid job the only problems I had were with the use of Jun in the first stanza is that meant to be June or is it the monetary value ? The last verse lacks a little cohesion I was a little lost to the meaning, but I know how hard it is to fill the blanks so to speak, I spent all night and day thinking on the possibilities of my word choices before I finished my edit...

I will give that last verse some thought if I can think of anything I will get back to you

love Jayne x

hi

The last line is just as the original poet wrote it.........stan

Dear Jayne

Thank you dear. Yes, that IS a hard task and it lacks sense even after reading the original. As Stan pointed out, that last verse is how appeared in the original. May be you mean the last stanza? If so, I agree, the last two stanzas drove me crazy.

Rula

I applaud your effort because honestly I felt this assignment was the most difficult than those given to me Chrys and Jayne. Perhaps you were stuck at line 4 of stanza 3 h\which feels like an incomplete sentence / thought to me...

I bet you have must have felt a lot relieved to complete the assignment by giving it your best shot...i know how anxious you must be to see Stan post the original...keep your fingers crossed :)

Raj

Many thanks for your encouraging words. I'm happy though Stan has given me such a hard task because for me this simply means that he doesn't consider me less than any of the natives, which honestly I again appreciate a lot.
I agree with you concerning that stanza. I didn't feel happy with it either.
Again thanks for the comment.

Rula

Few minutes back you posted a comment in the Workshop thread which said you were tired after a long journey and would be going to sleep. The very fact you are still here is proof how keen you were to see the comparisons between the two versions, yours and the original lol..You can now sleep well after reading good comments about your attempting that very tough exercise...

raj

You're right to a large extent. However, I have to admit that I have read the original as soon as I submitted my version. Remember that Stan has never mentioned not to read the original AFTER submitting our works, has he?

Rula

You are smart. Yeah Stan hadn't said not to read the original after submitting your version. So you certainly didn't break the rules, may be bent them a wee bit within permissible limits..lol...

Rula

Not to bad at a difficult task but I do see some things that I might suggest need changing.

1- embrace ( embraces)

2-imho-the word cool at the hearse does not make sense(maybe something like ,repose in the hearse)

3-this way ( what if you said an instant)

4- they are more like( the earth)

5-then the sea would be(the sky)

6-I can't say that I care for the poem at all as it does not make sense to me, and as always these are only suggestions nothing is written in stone

you probably will lose tha rhyming pattern but as Stan stated in mine that is the least of the problems. the idea is to form an image

hi chrys

no 4- they are more like( the earth)
if its written like this, it won't rhyme with knucklebone.

Anyway I think it is a very good attempt, Rula. Bravo! (clapping)

Alid

I did not say it was not a good attempt infact it was a very difficult piece to work worth and Rula did a fine job with what she was given. I also mentioned my suggestion would throw the rhyme off however I was going on the idea of focusing more on image but yes it was not an easy task that Stan set her to and I do agree my assignment was easier wonder how close I came to the original though lol

I agree, chrys

and no, I didn't mean it that way, I was just commenting on the suggestion you give because I was curious and I didn't realize you have said that it will throw off the rhyme to her.my bad..sorry

Alid

thank you

Khalid. Appreciate your kind words.

hello Chrys

Many of what you've stated is right, however, I can't get your last points. May be I am tired. I'll come to it again later.
when you say you don't care for the poem does this mean you didn't like it?

Hi Rula

This is a beautifully and extremely prophessionally written piece. I'm envious of your gift. But I suppose it had to take the loss of your mother to write it perhaps not. Its still better than anything I've ever written.

John

hello John

How great it is to hear from you especially that you are not participating in the workshop. I really am honored with your appraisal, however you need to know that the utmost part is by "Anna Sexton". It's not all by me.
Thought you would like to search for the original version since you like it that much.
Your visit though is valued highly.

thanks all

I am afraid I won't be able to respond to the comments or do any revisions before Tuesday as I have to travel home for three days. Thought I would tell you.
see you soon dear friends.

Noted,

Send my regards to your family.Take care, Rula. May Allah watch over you and your loved ones...

Alid

thanks khalid

For your wishes.

Well done.

But you should know that.

been said by you dear sir

It means a lot.
I know some lines don't make much sense. I tried to put myself in the writer's shoe (perhaps that wasn't the best to do) and there was the hardest part. To create an imagery isn't that hard, but to know what/ how others want to paint isn't easy at all.
Again, many thanks.

still

I think it's good if Stan would provide the original version here for everyone to see

Rula & Jayne

I don't know why Stan has not posted the originals and made you girls mad with curiosity. Perhaps, he has a habit of younger days to keep girls waiting and guessing...lol...

good one, Raj

LOL

Alid

Hello Ian

Here is the original :
The Truth The Dead Know by Anne Sexton

Gone, I say and walk from the church,
refusing the stiff procession to the grave,
letting the dead ride alone in the hearse.
It is June. I am tired of being brave.

We drive to the Cape. I cultivate
myself where the sun gutters from the sky,
where the sea swings in like an iron gate
and we touch. In another country people die.

My darling, the wind falls like stones
from the whitehearted water and when we touch
we enter touch entirely. No one's alone.
Men kill for this, or for as much.

And what of the dead? They lie without shoes
in their stone boats.
They are more like stone
than the sea would be if it stopped. They refuse
to be blessed, throat, eye, and knucklebone.

Well , Rula I guess it matters more how You think you did than how I think you did. But you did well in not overdoing the imagery although a few of your lines are hard to figure out your intent..........stan

Ian?

Brain

says one thing, fingers type another lol

Rula

It had brought on a smile for me too, when I saw it was addressed to Ian through oversight. Then I saw that in the closing lines Stan had indeed meant it for you. :)

Stan

Till this very moment, even after reading the original version, some verses in the poem don't make much sense for me. I believe it is one of those few which needed to know about its background.( Anna's father's death followed by her mother's) though you gave a hint, the speaker and the title didn't work together, at least for me. I wish others would say what they think of it, knowing that I'm not happy with my work.

In addition, I don't know, were we supposed to paint the closest imagery the original poet did?
Or was it enough to work out images that go with the whole poem?
However, I know these questions should have been asked earlier.