Those Winter Sundays (For Stan's WS)

windy in my opinion is stretching, wind can roar yes but windy roar perhaps

brawl would rhyme but makes no sense why would he brawl when to brawl is to fight unless it means something else in your vernacular

weary hmmm let see what else can be used there , how about just a plain "worn old"you still would have two syllables

interesting use there "gutted the wits"
of loves ---------offices that got me as well but nice point made about parents holding the highest offices
I'm not sure crackling would fit in that scenario then why not loves highest offices
are you using crackling as the sound of warmth here but it is a house
I'm going to look up this poem and see what the riginal was about as it has me stumped

but i have to agree with chrys too. unfortunately, i cant offer a suitable word to replace ' brawl' myself. tell you the truth, i think i'll cry if this is my assignment.

Alid

Sorry I couldn't give a critic to this last night. I was half asleep when you posted. I read Chrys's comment and see that you've already tweaked. I should admit that this is a hard bite for me. Filling someone else's imagery is never easy.

At the1st and the 2nd stanzas, the imagery sounds sensible. I like it because there could be many alternatives, and like Stan says, we can't say the imagery is wrong, but indeed one is more effective than the other(s). I especially like the "dim lit barn" and the "oaken"

However the 3rd stanza is another story. I remember I read the original of this poem a while ago. I didn't like the last line then and I re-read it now, but still don't like. I mean I like how you've interpreted "offices" to be related to the family's institution but I still can't find much sense there, so whatever you fill, for me that line won't sound right.

But I applaud your effort indeed. Bask in the moment. You've done a good job.
I am waiting to see what Stan is hiding for me. (((smiles)))

PS..If I didn't show the coming few days, please call 999...Just in case :)

I have never read this poem and I cant say I like it, what I do see of it, I think within the parameter of the workshop you have done a good job, I will however be interested to read the real poem in its entirety

I cant see anything I could offer but I have to say that last line bothers me "of loves 'sacred' offices" maybe ?

Just a thought

Jayne x

Just a note to let you know I've read this. But I'll await a few more comments before adding mine...........stan

Offices can also mean duties, which I think is how the writer meant this to be taken. Maybe that will help this poem make more sense..........stan

Well let others catch up as they can

THOSE WINTER SUNDAYS by Robert Hayden

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house.

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

Raj, I think you did pretty well in writing your version considering the paucity of clues you had to guide you. But notice how just a few words or short phrases change the mood of the poem? Particularly in last line of third stanza and 2nd line of first stanza as well as the final line of the poem. I'll now shut up so others can have their say in comparing your version with the original..........stan

I am astonished at the difference a few words makes to the mood of the whole poem, its funny I suggested sacred in the last line after reading the proper version it does fit in my mind...I agree with Stan its not n easy job it may seem easy to some to just fill the spaces but to have cohesion you really have to think about what the poems trying to say

you did a great job Raj... thanks for putting me out of my misery Stan I have to say I have been tempted to look the poems up but I am now glad I waited to read them.

Love Jayne x

the best compliment I can give is that the poem does not read as though it had been tinkered with.

I'll say again that you did well considering the paucity of clues. I think the amount of imagery you inserted was neither too much nor too little. In that respect you did very well. But I also would like to point out that the substituted words did a lot in the way of altering the mood of this poem. The original one starkly described the duty which all fathers are expected to endure, even the harsh fathers, and do so with no expectation of thanks,
In your version what I came away with was a child's fear of a stern father. Both of these interpretations convey strong emotions but the difference between them is pretty vast when one considers how few words were changed. Somebody ought to do a workshop dealing with finding the "perfect" word to convey what one intends lol. Thanks for your participation in this shop.........stan