Seren
Seren
Feb 25, 2014

Falling

I will remember
the leaping seas,
the sloping smile
of the shore.

As emerging naked,
the moon lit
your lines and curves,
moved, the stone
of my heart
cracked

I felt a fear
that my pages
were to be rewritten,
I grasped my breast,
and the wind charged
as the sky fell

I will forever remember
the crack and fall,
until my eternal kiss

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

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More from this author

Comments

weirdelf

You, my dear, are often able to challenge my prejudices (though I may never be able to quite forgive you for voting for the Mad Monk, it is not necessary, you will suffer as everyone apart from the mega rich will).

Yes you have brought your Jayne Chloe magic to this piece, I was touched.

What more can I say? No suggestions. I hope my reading does it some justice,
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0vF9PzTTcgP

Seren

You have a beautifully smooth reading voice that I could listen to all day and night I have been listening to your readings and there are times you give me goose bumps, I had to smile if I have challenged your prejudices that's a good thing big...and its the best compliment

oh and by the way I didn't vote for the mad monk I didn't vote for anyone that day, long story...

Your reading was beautiful thank you for that I appreciate it very much

cheers JC xxx

Rula

Rula

11 years 2 months ago

Jane.
Many favorite lines, but especially liked

"As emerging naked,
the moon lit
your lines and curves,
moved, the stone
of my heart
cracked"

though I'd rearrange as:

As emerging naked,
the moon lit
your lines and curves(,)
moved,
the stone of my heart
cracked

and I thought you need either to punctuate all or leave it all.
just a thought dear.
Thanks for sharing

Seren

I am very happy you liked this one its close to being finished I understand your suggestion but if I take away the comma at the end of that line it will totally change the meaning that I intended when I wrote it, I do appreciate any and all suggestions so please don't hesitate to offer anything you think may improve my work

Thanks for reading its always a pleasure to hear your thoughts

love JC x

R

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Exquisite write dear friend with very good word usage to emote. All are good, so difficult to choose one over the other as favorite. I am sure you will eidt for punctuation as suggested by Rula, which is a weak area for me :)

much love n hugs....

Seren

Big smile thanks for that I appreciate it I am very happy you liked it, In this case the punctuation suggestion that Rula gave will change my intended meaning so I wont be using it but I will be taking a look at the poem as a whole in a few days, its still not totally finished the punctuation is probably the last thing I have left to work on with this one

thanks for the read and your thoughts I really do appreciate it

much love and hugs JC xxx

alidzain

seriously, if you can charm Rula, Raj and Jess, what more can be said about me, Jayne... I'm just a novice compared to them..and you say you are "nothing special"? (rolling my eyes heavenward and shaking my head)

love and hugs
Alid

Seren

I couldn't charm the birds from the trees I am charmless, Your going to give me a big head if you keep complimenting me then Jess will have to burst my bubble and bring me back to earth LOL

Very Happy you liked it my friend thank you for the support :)

love and hugs JC xxx

weirdelf

If other people said to you what you say to yourself you would be quite right to smack them in the head.

You know you are a talented poet and self-deprecation at best undermines yourself, at worst can be seen as fishing for compliments..

Cease and desist at once or I will personally deliver the smack in the head.

Seren

I have to beg to differ on this one, I have my way with words, yes, it is nothing special...in my eyes, I truly believe that, I read so many other talented poets and hope one day I can write something truly epically great. There is so much I don't know and I am trying to remedy that.

JC x

alidzain

but i don't think our other friends could charm the birds from the trees too. LOL. i know for a fact that they are not charmless and neither are any of us..its just that for some reason i'm more inclined to your style....

Alid

Seren

I am glad you like my poetry it makes me happy to know you find enjoyment in my words :)

JC x

Ian.T

Ian.T

11 years 2 months ago

Jess has said it all, and I will be second in line to smack you one, but maybe you are getting to like the little slaps too much, Lol, Take care look forward to your next piece, Yours Ian. Txx

Seren

Smile I copped a lot as a kid so I can take a smack up the head lol I cant say that I like it though, just about to post my next poem, got a pile to work on and get posted

hope your enjoying your stay I have to say I am missing your presence

take care much love always Jayne xxx

Ian.T

Not saying any more on that, though it would make a good fun poem will see what happens LOL, Take care talk soon,
Yours Ian.T

Seren

Nope can't sleep yet, I expect the poem on your return hehe

Love always Jayne xxx