raj

Feb 23, 2014

Ponderable

Why is an orange, orange
and an apple red?
Is it the color of the skin
or a religious emblem?

Is it just an illusion
which lures us,
only to lose the essence
in our greed?

Is it the color we bite,
while spitting out the seeds?
The bile doesn't care,
if it's colored or white.
Does it?

It's all shit in the end,
no matter the color or shade,
apples or oranges,
carrots or beetroots,
beans or nuts,
all end up
in solid, liquid and gaseous state.

It's the seeds
which bear the secret
of life to be,
but in our greed,
we manipulate their form,
engineer their flavor,
and corrupt the faith
in their soul.

Fair or unfair,
it's a matter of judgement
and choice.
Should we dream of a life
or live the dream
of living
in fruitful co-existence?

About This Poem

Last Few Words: AT Rula's suggestion I'm adding this, else I may have left readers wonder and ponder as to where this came from. This was inspired by the winter Olympics where although athletes from all castes, color, creed, nations and religions participated, they performed with one religion-of sportsman spirit, brotherhood, healthy competition without animosity. This showed that if people with such diverse religions and faiths can perform together so well, how others whose religious faiths are manipulated, mutilated, modified become so vicious as to threaten such wonderful spirit with terrorizing intent. So, it is up to everyone to make choices of not manipulating, mutilating or adversely modifying the true religious gospels if we have to find unity in diversity.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Now, that's imagery.

Kinda gross imagery, but I definitely saw the picture.
Still miss the punctuation, but I'm working on it.

Wesley

Thank you for the time to read this and your comment. I have now worked on punctuation. Please share your thoughts on the same. Good to know that this attempt provided the larger picture. While attemting this I have taken note of your comment on Alid's poem "Don't let them win".

I am still not comfortable with the title and shall be looking at more options.

Regards,

I want you to find the rest, but...

"Why is an orange, orange
and an apple red," (This is a complete sentence and therefore should have a period. You do this often. Hell, everyone does often. Don't feel bad).
" is it the color of the skin" (Just add the capital. Think about whether a statement is finished as is. If so you MUST add the period. It doesn't change the flow of the poem).
"or a religious emblem?"

Hi Wesley

I take your suggestions as an area of improvement, so there is nothing to feel bad about. On the contrary I must thank you for your patience and suggestion. I will work on that for sure. Thanks for your time and visiting my page again.

Regards,

Wesley

I hope I have got the punctuation right this second time around.

Regards,

Look through it again.

Far be it for me to tell you NOT to use punctuation, but you use the comma too often. If the sentence doesn't break and go in a slightly different direction, but continues on unabated it does not need a comma. For example, you would have used a comma after "unabated" in the previous sentence. I did not because the thought continued straight through without need of a direction change.
E.g.
"Is it just an illusion
which lures us," (this comma is unnecessary because the thought doesn't slow down. Does that make sense? Remember the old rule: "when in doubt, leave it out").
"only to lose the essence
in our greed?" (the sentence doesn't lose speed, so it needs no comma. If after "lures us" you included something like "my friend", that would have disturbed the flow of the sentence and asked for a comma).
You'll get it. Commas are hard. Start thinking about semi colons now.... they're harder. (and ignore how I use my ellipsis... it's wrong).

Hello Raj

I believe you did really well handling such a theme. I enjoyed the extended metaphor but the message is too subtle if you haven't mentioned it at your "last few words."

I found little use of these few lines. I think they add little if any to the piece, but it is only me. I tend to brevity lately, but please don't let Wesley hear this :)

Hello Rula

Thanks for taking the time to visit and leave a comment which is always welcome. I will certainly add a few lines in "the last few words" section about the message I am attempting to convey in this poem.

You have forgotten to mention the lines which you feel have "little use". Please let me know which ones. I am still not comfortable with the Title.

Regards,

Sorry

Here are the lines
Stanza 3

"The bile doesn't care,
if it's colored or white.
Does it?"

Rula

Thanks for dropping by and explain which lines you found were out of place. Perhaps when you read the message in "last few words" which i shall be doing soon, those lines may make some sense...

Regards,

colors

can you say why ...the rainbow always has the colors seven.... in the same order ...every time and from any where ...coz light emits refracts and has broader spectrum ...hence fruits offer variety if all was black and nothing white ...we would have been living in monotony ...with naught to compare ...so that's why nature wants to share ..and all of us humans at others glare we all love your poetic flare

Loved

Thanks for your comments, However, the mention of color in this poem is in a different context. I shall adding a message in "last few words" section. If you happen to pass by and read that you would understand why i have mentioned colors..

Regards,

sure

shall
I am not too much into metaphors
what for?

Raj

loved the title. It is poetic and it sets well the reader's mood.
I only wished to see your few words added as one or two stanzas. If you think once to publish there will be 'no few words to be added there. :)
Racism and terrorism are critical issues and I believe few could handle them well.
You can do it, I trust your abilities.

Rula

Thanks for dropping by again and offering an appreciative comment, Religion & Faith being very sensitive & delicate subjects, I had to exercise caution to make sure the sentiments are not offended. Therefore I chose a generic form to poetically express a view objectively.

Me publishing my writes? Thanks for saying that which made me grin but honestly i know i am far from getting to stage where my writes are worthy for publishing. Having said that, I will stay optimistic and look forward to encouragement and guidance of the likes of you to push me hard :)