Race_9togo

Jan 30, 2014

Still Trying To Get Off This Mud-ball

The aliens won't ever come for me
when I'm lying in my bed at night.
Awakening, I'll never see
odd grey heads looming in my sight.

I won't ever feel the curdling shock
of strange grey creatures lifting me,
or the fearful sudden knock
of paralysis hit my sweating body.

They'll never take me to their ship
to do their weird examinations,
or tag me with a micro chip
to track my subsequent locations.

For when they'd tell me
it was time to go,
I'd simply smile beautifully,
and to them just say "no:-

you aliens chose me for abduction
and didn't think to ask
or give me any kind of option,
so now I'm taking you to task:

I want to leave this tiny planet,
and step off this mortal coil,
So close the door, god dammit,
and get me off this dried mud-ball!"

About This Poem

Last Few Words: How is this, for meter? I never know until someone else tells me!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Hi Jim

I like this idea of using abduction to leave this ball lol. I have some ideas you can consider :
S-1, l-3 try awakening I'll never see
S-3.l-2 try changing strange to weird or some such to avoid a close repeat of strange
That's all lol. Now I'll await a free trip to other places.............stan

Hi Stan

Thanks for the ideas, both are added.

In case they ever
come get me,
give me your phone number,
so I can give you a yell,
and we can come on over,
to pick up you, as well!

Heehee.

Jim

While I read I listen to music, I was listening to a Guy Sebastian song as I read this poem, it can be read with the rhythm, And as your leaving pick me up on the way past will you ;)

I loved this theme its 'out there' :) in a very good way

What a great poem ! I have a BUT, for a change lol

I am still not sure of a couple of lines the rhythm was a little hitched up in the read I will think on it and come back to you with what I come up with

to no alien craft will I be led
where small creatures do weird tests
or take samples of my skin instead
then set a tiny tracker in my flesh

this stanza is bothering me hmmmm I will definitely be back I have a couple of ideas I am going to consider

much love and hugs JC xxx

Jayne

I rewrote that stanza, you were of course completely right about it. When I have the time I'll look at the meter and rhythm too, because I agree there are one or two places where its weak.
I think I'll expand the ending too, to make it like the others.

Thanks hun, as usual you tap me gently on the head with that poetic hammer, and make my sight straight again! heehee

Keep the ideas coming!

Jim!

I love the new stanza its awesome, I came back for a reread its now much much smoother

nice work my friend, I am always glad when I can help :)

big hugs

love always JC xxx

Thanks Hun

Yah its a big improvement, I think.

lol

hey, jim.
I love the theme and the way you spin your ideas on it.i like the last verse the best!

Alid

:D

Thanks Alid,
I've just been re-sharpening my rhyming, with this!
Glad you enjoyed it.

You're missing "get" in the last line.

Otherwise the meter is sound and I laughed out loud. I too cry each day "stop the world, I want to get off".

Oops,

Added the 'get'. Don't know how that happened, so I'll just plead extreme fatigue (heehee).
I'm glad you think the meter is okay, I always worry about that when rhyming.
Glad you got a kick out of this one!

me again

You know, I've come back to this more than once and given it some more thought(thanks for the headache lol). I have some addition thoughts you can mull over :
S-1,l-1 change won't ever to will never
S-2,l-3 change swallowing to a 2 syllable word...maybe sudden?
Stanza 4 all but line 3 seem too short . try something like
For when they finally tell me
that it has come the time to go
I'd simply smile beautifully
look in their eyes and just say no
Last stanza I expect you are aware you missed rhyme in l-2 and 4. Since this might have been in order the add impact I'll make no suggestions for change

Whew! that numbed the ol' index finger. As usual only use anything which you find useful or even use nothing.......stan

Stan,

Yeah, 'sudden' is a better fit, I used it, thanks.
I like the flow of "won't ever' better, I think.

The 3rd stanza is deliberately different, to create a focused transition from one stage of the poem to the other.

Thanks for the suggestions Stan, much appreciated as slways!

Jim

I liked the way you have fantasized about aliens and served it with a bit of humor when you refuse them to let you go. I liked the usage of dried mud ball too which I believe refers to global warming as its cause...thanks for posting this..

Regards,,

Hi Raj,

Yeah, the dried mudball is an implication of global warming, quite right!
Glad you liked this so much.