About the darkness, long and loud,
a wolfish bark and soulless bay.
The moon came slipping through the clouds
upon the cusp of winter's day.
Oh, autumn wind, where drive you, that
abysmal depth; the wolf's lament?
Wouldst all the fauna hide thereat,
so naked 'neath the moon's ascent?
The clatter of my horse's gait,
by bridle, tightened, so we slowed,
to listen closer, peer and wait,
for what fell test the moon had stowed.
Oh, come, you devil, born of fangs,
my pistol here, is drawn, you'll find,
if moon illume afore you sprang,
a muzzle blast to serve your kind.
We wait. The hollow smells of fear,
a twitch attacks my horse's ear.
Uneasy, she retests the bite,
I hold the reigns with nervous might,
and ease to lease a clopping walk,
the moon peers down, the wolf can stalk.
clip-CLOP, clip-CLOP, clip-CLOP, such noise!
Oh! All around, the silence preys.
Upon my mind, the darkness toys,
again, the wolf, in torment, bays.
Oh, every step makes awful sound,
her iron shoes assail my teeth.
I weigh we're better gallop-bound,
to quit the forest for the heath.
With drumming hooves in racing flight
the mare is off with death alight.
While spurring winds, we slip from sight,
like rendered smoke to sooty night
and find the wife with lantern, waits,
on man and beast for cup and sup,
inside the friendly door this late,
her face as full as moon is up.
She'll pour a steaming cup of tea,
that blesses home with sanctity.
Comments
Hi Triskelion, I've sent you
Hi Triskelion, I've sent you a private message, I hope it helps.
I absolutely loved your poem. It was as if I was reading Poe.
You've done a fabulous job with this.
I only checked the punctuation, I'll come back again and make further comments when you are ready.
Ruby :) xx
Okay...
...and many thanks for your punctuation input. I sort of see that the commas come at the end of many of the lines and I sense where the periods break up the lines. I see you rather this reflects Poe than Pope, which either is a compliment anyway.
I'm happy this poem appealed to you and always look for suggestions.
Thomas
Hi Triskelion, the commas
Hi Triskelion, the commas tend to come where the subject diverts or to add a clause and at the end of the sentences.
Here are my suggested improvements, and you can use or ignore them as you see fit.
upon the cusp of winter's day. I would use, upon the cusp of coldest day. Because in your next line you would be better to change Autumn to Winter, as the reader is unclear about which season it is. and winter wind is good for assonance. If you use coldest you've already set it up for the next stanza.
if the moon should flash before you sprang, I would use afore instead of before, it has an older sense about it in terms of language.
And your poem should start with a capital letter: About the darkness, long and loud,
I hope this helps you further. Ruby :)
Hi Ruby Lord
...that's a little more technical jargon than I anticipated. I have a sort of idea where the punctuation goes, mostly by reading and applying them as "the light bulb goes on". I find it used less and less and more and more in articles I read (where you would expect a LOT more diligence) so, we learn as we go. Grammar is just as bad sometimes.
The use of "cusp of winter" is literally the weather change between fall and winter, but I can see your point.
I'll chew on your suggestion employing "afore".
Thanks so much again for your help. It is appreciated.
Thomas
Hi Triskelion, no problem,
Hi Triskelion, no problem, always happy to help. Ruby :)
hello Lion,
I got so caught up in the story's progression, that I did not notice anything besides the thrill and chill going up my spine!
*respects, Cat & eddy styx
Hi Cat!
Thank you for enjoying this poem. I was hoping it would appeal to you. I'm glad the story progressed well and tingled your spine!
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thomas
I see...
just a couple of little things that I would change.
again, the eerie howl [a]rose - you need the extra syllable.
Oh, every step made awful sound - The use of every, so close to each other just doesn't ...
and I think that the word 'awful' sounds just as Elizabethian as 'every'.
As always, my advice and comments are to be taken however you like.
Use them, trash them or twist them. ~ Geez.
.
Y' know..
..I was at odds about the word howl. Sometimes, words that look like two syllables are one and vice versa. It's also getting hard to trust everything on the internet, so thanks for that. Hm. Sort of like the word "every" can be two, but is actually three syllables.
I'm going to chew on your suggestion to change that to "awful". I was trying to convey how the hooves were the only thing around making noise.
I'm interested in what makes the poem "Elizabethian" since both you and Lavender point that out. I'll have to study that, I guess. Thanks again for your well-rounded critique. It is always appreciated!
Thomas
Wolf Moon
Hello, Thomas!
This has the eerie flavor of Washington Irving's "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and the mystery and charm of Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening." Yet, somehow told in its beautiful Elizabethan style. You take us on a curious journey. The clip clop of the horse adds nice tension. (I can feel the iron shoes upon my teeth, too!) This seems to be a lengthy sonnet. I agree with Geezer that it needs (a)rose for the 8 syllable count. So well written. A joy to read!
Thank you!
L
Hi Lavender.
Your comparison of this poem to Washington Irving and Robert Frost's style is unexpected, but I sort of see a relationship now.
I changed the 2nd and 4th lines in that stanza... not sure it was a good idea. I'm really at odds with it as on one hand, the letters "o" in all the rhyme words in all the lines felt (clumsy)?...but it's hard to leave that last line with the words howl (a)rose. Let me know what you think, please. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my poem.
Thank you, Lavender, for reading and your input.
Thomas
Hello, Thomas!
Very, very, very much like that stanza's revision. Especially the word "preys." It adds to the threatening effect of the poem. This feels Elizabethan to me due to its formal sonnet-like form - quatrains and an ending couplet, along with the abab rhyme pattern and the poem's steady rhythm. As I read it, I could almost imagine a few "hath, doth, ye, thou, thee, nay" words in there, too. :) Though many sonnets are regarded as romantic love declarations, there are some built on drama and human nature. As far as the Irving / Frost comparisons, not so much their style as those specific works remind me of the mood and feel of this wonderful poem. Again, this is so well written!
Thank you!
L
Oh, and one more thing - if I am reading this correctly, we never actually see the physical wolf, correct? The mystique unfolds...
Hi Lavender
Thank you for affirming the change in that stanza and the explanation regarding "Elizabethan"..and of course, I understood the relationship between this and the poems you made comparison to.."their style" was a bad word choice on my part.
The wolf is never seen, correct! Little more hair raising than a mortal danger you can't see, but only flee..lol.
Your compliment is most generous. Thank you again.
Thomas
Hi Lavender
I pressed the wrong button...hehehe.
Thomas
Hello, Thomas,
The strong language in stanza 8 adds intense action to the poem. Very nice. Studying your poem again, I'm now wondering about the last two stanzas. I'm getting a little tangled in the meaning, perhaps because they both start with "and." I notice you have a period after "up" in the final quatrain. Not sure just what it is, I'm baffled, but something seems to interrupt the flow within those final lines. (Hmm...Is the tense correct?)
I'll be back,
L
Hi again Lavender
..suggestions are welcome of course. I changed the "and" in the couplet. It changes the tense also.
Thomas
Hello, Thomas,
The change in that single word made the meaning and intent much clearer to me.
Thank you...
L