In piss and shit and filth we grovel deep
Our masters grin so smugly at our plight
So helpless we abase ourselves in sleep
Yet knowing that there is a way to fight
On Wall Street and each other sign of wealth
Our presence can’t be lied away as mad
There is no longer any need for stealth
The fight is a political jihad
Our toys deflect us from our thoughts of truth
ipad, smartphone, facebook, ‘puters lies
in the end they mean we’re fools, our faces blank
and political action is just a bother
So kill the cunts, each CEO,
each shareholder denying blame.
Comments
Jess
I worry when you rant so.
As poetry you are the best I know.
But to bring my mind to read
This rant makes my eyes bleed
Though troubles come and smite us
All that we can do is cuss
Let us dwell in places new
Good, can happen to me and you
Can you not tell me of some place
Where creatures dwell, not race
Headlong into greed and poverty
These are for a civilisations need.
Not You or Me
Did I say that I didn't like this Rant no matter how well it was written,
Yours as always, Ian.T
PS:- Please don't curse me too much lol..
Jess you know,
Jess you know you've my attention with this poem, it's a subject so close to my heart. An i love the poem, except for the last line second verse, and second, third and fourth line of the third verse. Would you consider, the fight is our political jihad. And in the fourth verse would you try.
our toys deflect us from the very truth,
ipad smartphone facebook, 'computor lies
in the end it means we're fools, the screens are blank,
and political action is lost in our sanguine sighs.
As i said i like the poem just needs some work on these lines i think, Regards Roscoe..
good crit
It was a poem of desperation,
Ill try to write a good one soon
.
.
Dear Jess,
I think it is a good poem, even if it is a rant. I feel your passionate ire with every line! You keep us on our toes with this write. I like the changes that Roscoe suggested. You forgot to mention ps3 and x-box, lol!
always, Cat
ps.
right now, ps3, as an exercise, is helping me with my failing working memory.
ta
cat
dear weird elf
I like your style, and i agree with everything, I don't believe its a "rant" and i surely do not believe it to be a desperate poem, as a matter of fact, it is voicing the current economic,political and social problems at hand.
I like the "cussing" because it shows emotion, raw anger, you feel the frustration of being part of this consumeristic world, and yes our toys do very well distract us, although they could be utilised as tools for doing good, but thats not the point..everyone lives in screens these days..its true...others, please observe everyone on ur way to work or home or whatever...everyones glued in :)
Masterminds of marketing i say.
As for poem structure yada yada...its all fine..what matters to me is content and i love your thought process.
---
cool!
I didn't expect such a positive response.
Thanks
Hi Jess
Nice sonnet. I guess the coming elections have a lot of us thinking of how the world Could be a lot better. Now a few ideas which might ease the flow a bit:
L-3 change in to and
L-4 try- even knowing there is a way to fight
L-5 change sign to realm
L-8 change political to economic
L-12 change just to such
L-13 and 14, I wonder if you purposely broke syllable count in order to emphasize these lines?
All above just alternatives to use or not as you see fit...........stan
Am going to bookmark this critique
and come back to do revisions
and I'm going to erase everything I wrote about you on the toilet wall [grins]