it doesn’t seem You wish to answer my request
I wonder what has caused You to desire to taunt
the perky breasts I asked for are too gaunt to flaunt
though everybody says You always do your best
they say for You to grant exactly what we ask
we merely have to order it and we’ll receive
I don’t remember asking for them to my knees
just what was so damn difficult about the task?
I have been told that good things come to all who wait
perhaps Your hearing’s gone, You are such ages old
or maybe You are teasing, did You break the mold?
if so I think You’re really mean, I tell You straight
I know it shouldn't matter much, they’re only boobs
but why did You make men’s’ minds simply so one-track
with anything not supermodel seen as lack
then leave me to contend with elongated jubes?
.
Comments
original
why can't I have them - what I want?
You say to ask and I'll receive
requesting perky breasts to flaunt
I get ones hanging past my knees
why can't I have them when I ask?
You say all comes to those who wait
but I have boobs all long and gaunt
I'm not impressed, I'll tell You straight
I shouldn't place such store in them
they're really just appendages
but it's Your fault, 'cause You made men
with one-track minds throughout the ages
why can't I have them? You're so mean
it's such a simple thing to give
instead, each one looks like a bean
no hope of keeping young men captive
~~~~~~~~
for eph's rewrite see
http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/judys-poem-rhyme-patterns-1-revis…
~~~~~~~~
total success
your first device was lengthening the lines, to reduce SS, I plan to do the same.
The change in rhyming scheme to ABBA also helps that effect.
Most importantly, you said more, of more importance and significance.
thanks jess
i think it is more the tone of the write that has changed, rather than anything more pertinent being said. as the singsong is lost the theme changes from a cheeky attitude to a rebellious one
i said to stan at the beginning that i thought changing the style would affect the theme and text of a write – in this case it did I think
love judy
xxx
dear judy
I knew before reading that your piece will meet all the requirements of the workshop and agree with what jess has just said. However, I' ve noticed that with the extension of the poem you too have extended somehow the sense of mocking God the creator especially in the third stanza :
I have been told that good things come to all who wait
perhaps Your hearing’s gone, You are such ages old
or maybe You are teasing, did You break the mold?
if so I think You’re really mean, I tell You straight
which I really find it unsuitable and unnecessary at the same time ..Hope it is not meant ..
I am sure that many including you won't issue this as important but it really attracted my attention..
Thanks for understanding
mocking god is a prerequisite of great thought,
don't let the delusion of god affect your appreciation of great writing.
nothing is sacrosanct
in thought and in poetry, not even god
xxx
dear rula
your words - ‘with the extension of the poem you too have extended somehow the sense of mocking God’ … a good pick there rula. it shows that the form of a write is just as important as the words used. by lengthening the lines I have changed the mood, from cheeky to rebellious .. yes
that you find the lines offensive and unsuitable only reflects on your world-view, not the poem. and I note you have not allowed your personal views to affect your crit of the poetry, so your comment is quite valid.
but if I believed in a personal god with character, i would think that he had a sense of humour. i could tease my own dad with how old he was, call him a deaf fossil, etc …. so why can’t I treat the father-god the same way? after all, he would be no different from the dad I know who loves me
thanks rula
love judy
xxx
we can always write
Good things away from mocking God. I've always appreciated Judy's writing, haven't I?
yes you have.
But god does not exist.I can prove it.
??i wonder
If Judy has the same thoughts and attitudes!
God not exist.
i it is a cowardice of .death. it is also a cowardice for humanity to take responsibility to take for there own own actions and values and moraity., letting other people tell them what to is weak, stupidity and allows religions and and dogma to perpetrate evil evil and war,
this is not part of the workshop . I just had to express my impassioned, scientifically rational truths.
Jess
This does not belong on a shop stream. If you want to spread your belief in atheism you should do so on a blog...not here....................stan
I simply stated af fact
that had pertinent comment on the poetry.
Mo apologies,
Jess
So you are expressing your Beliefs. A belief is based upon personal opinions and thus kinda qualifies as a worship of said belief. Should you care to continue this discussion of what one should or should't believe in I request you do so in another forum rather than a shop devoted to rhyme patterns, not religion.................stan
jess and rula
it is fine to express one's own beliefs, after all, there is as much opinion as there are people on the planet. but we also need to respect others' opinions and beliefs, no matter how far away from our world-view they are placed, for everybody is on their own learning curve, and are, in this lifetime, placed in the position they find most comfortable to accomplish their learning
so, although a discussion – or even argument over a viewpoint is allowed, we still need to relate it to the critique of the poetry itself, rather than making bold statements as to, for example, the existence or not of a deity. (for example, rather maybe, discuss if he did exist, would he be offended by the writes, or discuss how the writes are fundamentally different in their attitudes towards the deity, and how, why... ?? )
rula – there is no proof there is one, jess there is no proof there is not one
imho – as the hopi indian say to every theoretical question they are asked - maybe
love judy
xxx
dear judy
I know this is not the right place to discuss this. I already believe that there is a God and that He exists.This is something already proved for me by all the things that exist around me and of the existence of myself.It is not that what I am discussing. I can't read this piece away from feeling that God is really offended if this is what you need to know.
Anyhow it is a point of view I felt I needed to declare. I needn't go on in any furthur discussion and don't expect a reply from your side. The good news is that we at least agree that we need to respect each other's religious believes and attitudes but this one is an exception.-I hope..
apologies, Rula,
my high horse is so big I break bones when I fall off it,
rula - not an argument
but a difference of opinion -
my answer to this is above (in my first response to you)
love judy
xxx
Hi
You did well. The abba pattern is one which often lends itself well to avoiding the SS so often inherent in rhyming poetry. And lengthening the lines also helped although were it Me I would not have lengthened them quite so much (probably because my lines of thought are shorter lol). Now....Jubes???....must be a slang word for breasts I've never heard before.
I hope you have had fun in this shop. .........................stan
hi stan
yes i agree with all you said, but i'd like to add to that that the change in rhythm, although not altering the subject, radically altered the theme of my write at least. it changed it from a cheeky playfullness to a rebellious discontent
i found it interesting, line length and word usage seems to me to be more important here, and i feel that the rhyme scheme really only plays a small part in ss - just my opinion... and let's not forget (wait for it) ... meter lol
'jubes'? i'm sure that's how they're spelt - they're lollies - maybe you call them jellies or something - they're soft and you can stretch them for miles lol
and yes, i have enjoyed this workshop, thanks for your hard work stan
love judy
xxx
Hi Judy
I now understand the metaphor lol. I'm aware there are many many other things which affect the SS inherent in rhyming poetry. So many in fact that it will take at least my next Two shops to even lightly cover them. So be patient meter maid, I'll try to get to them all eventually lol....................stan