Whistling A Chinese Song (Complete Poem WS Edit 3)

... are one of the best explanations as to why we keep doing it.
Raj, I really like this. At this point I should just be proofreading for mistakes and discussing your vocabulary, but I really like the thing. What a wonderful running metaphor for life in general.
I don't like the lack of punctuation, but that is a choice of style.
You have made my point about useful repetition with our "Chinese song".
What would you change?
It's getting ahead of myself (in the workshop), but I would even out some of the meter so the stanza more crispy match their style.
The first stanza sets an excellent tone and were the poem mine I would hold to that form (loosely, but not too loose).
This needs no greater vocabulary as the natural language speaks to the subject.
Just an excellent submission.

The theme is good and flows on with reality.
Just take care where at one point the windscreen is cracked and lets the air in then later you switch on the wipers to clear the rain, maybe your face will become very wet??
As with me the punctuation is lacking but as Wesley says this is a choice.
Not sure as with mine when the editing should take place, I think Wesley should set a time for each section, I shall ask lol.
Yours Ian.T

use of metaphor Raj. I think Wesley has said it all and said it pretty well. I'll wait to see what revisions would you bring to your Chinese song.

Your original poem "It smells so good" was a great idea. Who doesn't come up with great ideas whilst having a shit? My only problem with the original was that it didn't sufficiently differentiate the idea conceived on the toilet from "it smells so good".

On my first reading I noticed stanza 4 line 2 [whistilng] whistling, I agree with Wesley that the meter could be evened out for rhythm and flow, I think your language use is in keeping with the theme of the poem and well used, I have to say I am not keen on the title I think that this could be improved holler out if you want some suggestions I will think on it

This is my first critique on the workshop I'm going to try and get to a couple everyday I will be returning as poems are edited and see if I can offer anything else in the way of suggested improvements

I really enjoyed this Raj and I am really interested to see where you go with it nice work

love JC xxx

In general I don't do free write poems, so it's difficult for me to make any comment on the structure of the poem - Hence I submit to Wesleys appraisal.

I like the metaphor and theme of your poem. Learning how to be a good poet can be like taking one step forward and two steps backward - sometime the "engine" just won't fire! but the willingness and passion is there, like a "battery" with plenty of life in it. But poetry can be very frustrating. We often look for inspiration hoping to wake our "sleeping beauty". Sometimes it doesn't work out, and what is even more frustrating is if an idea comes into our mind and then we loose it! ( that happens to me if I'm distracted - or don't write it down ).

Wow betide anyone that interrupts a line of thought. Lol

But then there is the day when the whole thing comes together and your mind "takes wings" and the sun shines! and the song you were whistling blossoms into life.

I like the way you have kept the theme of the Chinese song all the way through - it starts off with a whistle and ends up being sung.

An excellent analogy of how the writer can flourish so long as they keep the tune in mind.

I hope I'm on the right track with this comment.

Love the poem!

LOve Mand xxxxx

Well the metaphor and such has already been covered. I liked the archaic spelling of tyre and use of bonnet. Title? hmmm......maybe "the song in your heart"? I'll return to this later because it's a bit late here.........stan

    "A non-stop song"  or "The forever running song" .. I think these two might go well with the running metephor and the reference to everything we learn on the long run of our lives.

I gave title some more thought and the one I suggested earlier isn't right. maybe..."Why rainy day birds sing" ?
on to specifics :
Stanza 2, [ The] bonnet made of steel
..................[wears] red oxide scales
S-3, l-1 why capitalize tyres?
S-3, l-2 change "some" to "many"
S-4, l-2 still whistling [the] Chinese song
S-5,l-4 I am undecided on the use of "booty" which is slang for ass. I see you refer to car as "her" so this might be intentional. If it's not then you could use boot which is slang for a car's trunk
S-9, l-2 change "the' to "that". this change along with the one suggested in stanza 4 will prevent exact repetition while maintaining continuity.
........l-4 and [forget] the drive I think that might be closer to what you mean

All that aside I still liked reading this and easily pictured the protagonist's situation and state of mind.......stan

I have come back for another look, I compared the original version with your present edit, I can see the work that you've done, I still think the rhythm needs a little work there are lines and stanza's where the flow is effortless but then there are other lines that are stilted and tripping in the read, I really love this one and I think it can be made even better, like for instance in this stanza you added 'still'

I push on the peddle
till it hits the floor,
'still' no whir of the engine
just a rickety growl.

I wouldn't have put the 'still' I that line for me its a word too many when you read it, BUT in saying that see what the others think I could be very wrong, and sometimes I am truth be told lol

I think your doing a great job :)

much love and hugs JC xxx

I like the changes - and the ending rounds the poem out nicely! All in all it's much better and flows nicely! I tend to agree with Jayne to leave out the "still". But of course it's your choice! Other than that I think you done a great revision - I can't see anything more to change.

Well done

Love Mand xxxx

Cursing under the breath, (I might have use "my" instead of "the")
can't undo the twist. (And I don't quite understand this one. I may be obtuse, but remember that "internal logic" must clear to the target audience which in this case is us or me. What was your meaning?)

Otherwise I really like this "song".
Some of the meter skips around, but not so much as to detract from the flow (not much anyway, but I love my consistent meter... it's a curse)

Understand twist and I think "my" is not so repetitious. Usually it is a larger word we want avoid repeating and not articles or like words.

... I rather liked the other one, but I am terrible with titles, so you may not want to listen to me.

I'm pleased you change title from the intermediate one. You reworks have greatly improved this poem. I noticed Wes wants us to point out allegories so here goes :
engine won't fire.....we don't really want the engine to catch fire
sleeping doll.....of course it isn't a doll
tied up in knots.....that would be painful
I expect there are more less obvious ones also but I'll let others track them down............stan

I like this title much better than your ding dong title, this one has more flow and it grabs you

Love and hugs JC xxx

Fastening my seat belt
whistling a Chinese song,
I'm ready to steer
my second hand car. (I don’t believe there is a deliberate allegory here, but many readers will look at their life as this “second hand car”. Just a thought.)

Windshield though cracked (The comma is unnecessary here.)
will let in fresh air,
bonnet made of steel
wearing red oxide scales.

The tyres may have aged (“Tires” is spelled with an “I”.)
over some bumpy rides,
but the battery is almost new; (This requires a semi colon. There is an incomplete sentence following a complete one and both are related.)
will last me many miles.

On a cloudy grey morning,
still whistling the Chinese song,
I turn on the ignition, (We always need a comma before “but”.)
but the engine won't fire.

Cursing under my breath,
I let out a mighty snarl
hoping to wake up (We don’t need either one of those commas. Complete sentences with no separation.)
my sleeping doll.

A steady rain
now fogging my mind,
I turn on the wipers (Again, too many commas. As to the allegory… it is still holding. It’s kind of amazing what you have produced. Just look at your poem from the point of view of “life”. You’ll see it even though you did not intend it. Stan was spot on in his perspective.)
to cleanse the grime.

I push on the peddle
till it hits the floor, (This needs a comma and not a period.)
no whir of the engine, (A comma would help, but is not necessary.)
just a rickety growl.

I put on my shades
to close out the mist, (Again we need a comma. Are these typographical errors?)
but with mind in unrest
can't undo the twist. (I see this now. Don’t mess with it.)

Tied up in knots,
whistling that Chinese song,
I slam the door
and forget the drive.

Drenched in the rain (We don’t need anything. Definitely not a period.)
my mind takes on wings.
Suddenly my horizon (We need a capital and no comma.)
is bathed in sun shine.

That Chinese song (No period.)
now makes a lot of sense (No comma needed.)
while I sing it along
on whistling speed lanes.

These are mechanical suggestions. Now a little deeper. I’m not crazy about the meter. The lines are short and thereby would benefit from a much more consistent metric form. However, that is the poet’s choice and just my opinion.
The language is sharp and though allegory was not intended I can’t help but see it. I am always trying to clean my windshield that I should see my life better. The allegory fairly drips from this. As Stan said many poets will write things they don’t intend at first. It is the nature of our art.
If you have more questions about meter I am at your disposal.

So it is allegory. I am pleased.

My reading.
Please forgive faults and errors,
I'm trying to do a reading for everyone in the workshop.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s00N2p3Ci6mm

I think you have done a marvelous job on this poem my friend

I came back for another read and I was checking out what work you had done

Bravo :)

love and hugs JC xxx

I second what Jayne has said. This is very creative and well thought out - you have done a marvellous job!

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poems.

Love and hugs Mand xxxxxxx

For those who think a change of just a few words makes little difference this should disprove their ideas. Good revisions............stan

love the metaphor.I'm not good with meter myself, so can't really comment much on it . I think the title is fine as it is..

Alid