I Sit on a soft green summer plain I watch the perfect picturesque sunset with fiery florescent colors.
The rambunctious color Of Red rotates around the suns head .
It opens it’s eyes shining out the hyper halo of the young minded Color of yellow. It then lets the virtuous vivacious color of violet sink into its shimmering smile that covers half a mile that’s covered with the precious perfect color called pink. But the Sun and all it’s colors fade leaving me in darkness all alone and afraid but then I Look up in the Cold Calming dark night sky after the Suns Shining had subsided The white Whimsical stars Of the night had formed glorious Glimmering golden Stairs That guided me to the place where the words Love Thy Neighbor once shined so bright for this whole human race.
Aug 28, 2020
While I Watch the sunset
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I think this is superb; even
I think this is superb; even though it is written in the form of prose it is real poetry.
It opens it eyes shining out the hyper halo ; this is poetry
the virtuous vivacious color of violet sink into its shimmering smile: this is poetry -notice the alliterations of vvv,sss
there are more examples but you see why I call it poetry.
...only, I don't think this belongs here: Within this horrid human race. The poem seems elevated, and this brings it into the mud. If you find this sentiment important for you poem, then maybe you bring it in a softer way, and not in low language.
Thank you
Thank you I hope your doing well in this time of mass hysteria I’ll try to fix it