It's been a while since I talked
with someone who wanted to listen,
told them of all the useless
things I could think of to fill
the time,
those days have long since dogeared
there are vignettes on the edges
of the frame, rust, rat bites,
the colours aren't vivid anymore,
except the smiles,
those will last a while, I think,
before they too are rubbed
off by neglect.
It's the same thing that happens
when I'm forgotten.
I see my finger tips grow lighter,
feel less,
I see a little less light each morning,
or the sun moves a few feet farther,
or the earth drifts away.
I hear a little less,
speak more softly than I used to,
think a lot more, rather,
and speak in short syllables.
But now I barely whisper;
you'll have to taste the air
from my mouth to know what I'm
saying.
This poem will end soon also,
because the mind from which it comes
falters, drifts away into empty space
where planets are for company
that come by once in a few hundred years
to say hello accompanied by their
moons that look and wonder why
a satellite will float alone - their
courtesies count for something more than yours,
I'll swear.
If they ever come asking, tell them I
was never there, that I'm that whisper
lingering in the air, and you,
you are responsible for this poem.
Comments
This is really good Williams
an emotional piece I'd say. It well describes the feelings of someone who becomes really old and really lonely.
I thought the form works hand in hand to show the speaker's state of mind. He looks tired and kinda of distracted in a way or another.
In one place you've used the 'taste the air' I am not sure about it though I like it as I thought it is fresh in a way, but at the same time I thought we can't taste the air. I would simply use "test the air" but again I don't think it is a better choice, so I am sure you've a point in using 'taste"
Very well written though I never thought of you as an old guy, are you :)?
It was deliberate...
It was deliberate...
I used "taste" to suggest that, in order to hear me now, you've got to get your head so close to my lips, you'll literally "taste my breath".
I feel old most of the time, but I'm 23 yrs :D. I wrote this poem when I was depressed, so the loneliness is strong. The old age hinted at in the poem is just a metaphor for becoming increasingly insignificant. It does show how I felt when writing this poem.
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William
I am not sure about posting another poem I really love this one, but maybe you should ask one of the leaders
Now to cover your review request ---
What did you think of my title? --- I was really taken with your title I wouldn't change it, it fits perfectly
How was my language use? --- Your language use fitted in with your theme really well
How does this theme appeal to you? -- I hate using the word loved but this holds a sad quiet beauty about it
How was the beginning/ending of the poem? --- I only have one gripe its with the end of the poem
and you're responsible --- I would remove the [and] and just have 'you're responsible'
for this poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this it appealed to me very much
love JC xxx
That's a good suggestion!
That's a good suggestion! Thanks for reading this poem Jayne :D
You'll notice how I expanded "you're" too. I felt the last line needed to change with the removal of "and". Does it work?
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William
It works for me I think that makes for a smoother ending
see what the others think
JC x
Use the poem.
Everything, no matter how well worked, is a rough draft of some level.
I'm going to address only my proofread and your vocabulary for now. Later I will broach context and form.
Stanza 1, Line 11- "those ones" is redundant. "Those" will suffice.
S2, L2- We need a period here instead of a comma. This is also true in S4, L4.
S4, L7- following "space" is an unnecessary comma. Also following "hello". You won't burn in Hell for using them, but they are unnecessary grammatically and I hold to the age old adage that "when in doubt, leave it out".
The poem has much to offer, so stay with this one and I'll have more to say after a few more conversations in the main body of the workshop.
Thanks for going through this
Thanks for going through this Wesley. I'm guilty of overusing punctuation in my poems. :-/
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I don't think so William.
Just the occasional extra here and there.
nicely crafted which holds
nicely crafted which holds the mind with many a punchline...the last stanza delivers a telling blow...I am no expert to critique...it was a pleasure read for me...regards...
Gut response:
love it! A lovely, somewhat haunting and evocative piece.
If it was prose some of those commas would be periods or semicolons however as verse it is a valid, even a necessary, device. Can't spot any other punctuation or spelling errors.
I see exposition in the first two stanzas, complication in the third, climax in the fourth and resolution in the fifth. Anyway that's my take on it.
Absolutely gorgeous use of enjambment. Used to such a degree is risky but you pulled it off. On about fifth read when I was focussing on it I could imagine a conductor leading an orchestra for timing, pace and effect.
The content is dazzling, predictably I love the cosmological imagery. Some favourite stanzas and imagery:
those days have long since dogeared
there are vignettes on the edges
of the frame, rust, rat bites,
because the mind from which it comes
falters, drifts away into empty space
where planets are for company
that come by once in a few hundred years
I couldn't resist doing a reading. My apologies, it is flawed, some stumbles and skipped enjambments.
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/when-they-come-asking
Thanks Jess!
The poem was truly heartfelt, based on real events in my life. Your appreciating it this much soothes me :) I liked the recording too. :D
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I agree with Jess...
... on every point.
This poem has a lot of
This poem has a lot of cacophony. I find it tedious analyzing this poem because its written in such a conversational style.
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Don't worry about this poem too much.
Use it to recognize the phonaesthetics and apply it to your next poem at the outset. It is easier to write euphonically from the beginning than to try and changed a mostly finished poem. If everyone simply learns that such a concept exists I will be thrilled.
Okay.
I have no idea if this will work. "If" I have done it correctly and you have my recording, then know I don't like the sudden breath in the taping. I'll work on it, but I suspect my microphone is bloody cheap. I did not rehearse it. First reading. My difficulty lies in the technology. Garr, I hate computers, I love computers.
I belong to Big Brother.
Here is my recording I hope.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1ZLvvTydnMY
By the way, I like the poem. It is tragic.
This is my first time hearing
This is my first time hearing you. The reading was delightful, but yes, the microphone was a problem, but not much: I love this!
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