Rula

Sep 20, 2015

This poem is part of the workshop:

Hiding emotions in metaphors

(Read More...)

When Fire Flares (Metaphor Workshop)

There's nothing like sitting next to a campfire
or before an elegant fireplace
to watch the flames freely dance
with a burning desire to warm the space.

With torrid colors; those born from red,
with reddish orange, and purple blue
more warm cometh forth in a perfect instance
to fill the place with an adorable hue.

Though they're weightless-those blazing flames,
and regardless of what might cost their burn,
they'd quench the cold once been in the place
and demolish it all with the utmost pain.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

I think I have so far covered

three things
1. the general out look of "the fire flames"
2. the color and
3. the purpose

Please help with whatever areas I can extend my piece with many thanks for your thoughts.

The theme is lovely, i am

The theme is lovely, i am sure you would be working more for a smoother flow

Thank you raj

yes of course. That was a very rough draft.
Thank you for your kind, invaluable visit.

many edits

for a smoother flow, I hope. What do you think friends?

Rula the edits have certainly lifted the poem and made it smoother on the tongue that before. I am risking being proved wrong in making the following suggestions, so if they are not right, just ignore them:-

1. Standing "behind" a fire place may not be possible from what little I know of fire places being in a tropical country. You may want to change to "In front" or "before"
2. you have begun 2 verses with "and". I feel even without them could be good.

Just friendly suggestions

Regards,

hmmm .......hmmmm........

I'll return. Gotta go strike a jury. But I'll begin by saying if one sits behind a fireplace all you'll see is warm bricks. You likely mean Before it.........stan

Unless it is a round fireplace.

Ah, but then what is fore and what is hind?

return of the nit-picker

Ok,line 3...deliberate dance; I'm a bit put off by this. You might mean deliberate in that the flame's plan is to consume the fuel. But "dance" implies motion and the motion of fire is anything but deliberate or planned.
First line of last stanza, I think you should delete "are"
next to last line is a bit unclear and jumbled to me.
But I know these have little to do with simile and metaphor. And I assume this is the poem which is supposed to lack both. The only thing which might come close to being either is dancing flames........stan

Thank you all

for both, your patience and the invaluable feedback. Hope it is a smoother read now.

dared a rewrite Rula being born free styler hozit?

WORKSHOP RULA NEO

There’s nothing like sitting
around a fireplace
at a campfire
or
in front of an elegant fireplace
to embrace the flames free dance
with a burning desire
to warm our space.
with torrid colours;
those born from red,
with reddish orange,
and
purple blue
more warmth comes forth
in a perfect instance
to fill the place
with an adorable hue
though they're flickering
those blazing flames,
regardless of what might cost their burn,
they'd quench the cold
once been in the place
to demolish it all
within the given space...