Projectiles rifle through me
as flying bugs of harm,
but then what I do see
must be a culture’s charm.
They kill each other as a sport,
I cannot ken the rules
nor can I see what it purports,
in fact it’s rather cruel.
They have a term that’s quite concise,
it seems to mean a lot,
though little of it seems precise
they’re joyful that they fought.
They call it war.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
hello sir,
I can relate to this as it is all what my eyes see these days. However I thought it talks more about the term "war" rather than emotions. Let's see what others might say.
Thanks for sharing.
I think it addresses
the emotions of the combatants (joyful, happy they fought), but Chrys is right in a PM to me... there are no metaphors of these emotions. It is a clean poem reasonably contrived with good subject and fair structure. There is not one metaphor in the poem. I changed I think the second line in a try, but couldn't do anything else.
Suggestions? Please, deliberate line changes that are metaphors.