Shaved and deodorised
nostril hairs plucked
cool shirt and pants
just check that handsome reflection
once more
into the bathroom,
step in a puddle
eww shudder
wet socks
she arrives
late and lovely
seems distracted
lean in to kiss her
a slight cringe
wet
on leaving
I say
I Iove you
tight smile
me too
she says
socks
Comments
i like the subtext here jess
the humour - i can just envision this
'Shaved and deodorised
nostril hairs plucked
cool shirt and pants
just check that handsome reflection'
then the
wet socks = discomfort
to emphasise the 'not quite right'
'on leaving
Iove you
tight smile
me too
she says'
i really like the humour it starts with, then having my smile wiped from my face after the first stanza
i wonder about the second 'wet' and 'socks' being separated - i'm thinking perhaps it would be more effective it the whole thing was at the end
ie - removing the 'wet' standing alone and making it end with 'wet socks
lol - do you only have one pair?
love judy
xxx
ah, then by and large it worked, cool
I tried wet socks and it felt a bit heavy handed (footed?), as if I said
it felt as bad as wet socks
separating them seems to draw it out, well that's my feeling anyway.
Of course I have only one pair, if you have more you end up with mismatches and the only cure for that is amputating a foot. No flies on me, kiddo.
Dear Jess,
Wet Socks... I like the title and they way you seperated the two words between verses. It was as if something was hanging over your head. Then at last, the other shoe drops. I can't sandwich critique because there is no "bad meat". I liked it all. You're feeling better and your creativity levels are higher. I shows!
love, Cat
ta cat
glad you enjoyed it.
You notice EVERYONE mis-spells seperate separate?
Makes me think of E's mother
Makes me think of E's mother who had eaten onions
before meeting her new boyfriend, he leant to kiss her,
and that was the last she saw of him!
It would have been garlic not long ago, or perhaps still is,
but wet socks...not good either, but it made a ripping poem!
Ann
ta Ann, Lonnie
glad you enjoyed