a house of snowflakes
under a saharan sun
bespeaks sanity
May 19, 2012
Vulnerabaiku
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
yep, I'm pretty relaxed about haiku/senryu form
English can not produce perfect haiku. Syllables don't equal 'On'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_(Japanese_prosody).
I just regard it as three very short, compact lines rich in poetic content. That's my goal, anyway.
Jess
Something about Greenhouses and throwing stones springs to mind, this made me smile.
Could just picture you sitting there, Chinese water torture to the end lol, wondering what to do with the water, and taking out a tissue to wipe it away the mind is now Boggled, Yours Ian.T
PS:- Please define poetic content we have had of late many changes , where free verse, prose and many other not poetic forms of writing are coming in to our stream.
Do we need clarification on the differences, Yours Ian....??
define poetic content?
get off the grass!
Seriously, yes it is a big, contentious topic which has been partially addressed recently in Stan's Prose to poetry workshop and will be addressed further.
In briefest terms I consider it compression of meaning with imagery.
A catchy title indeed sir !!
snow flakes can't go with the Sahara Hot sun.
Does this mean that sinity has vanished?
perhaps it has,
or perhaps the Saharan sun is a delusion
or perhaps the sanity is.
Open to reader interpretation.
mmmm
Im learning slowly weirdelf , Like the end .,...."bespeaks my sanity"
it's based in the japanese haiku/senryu forms
a quick google or wikipedia will provide heaps of info,
ta
rotflmao
love this senryu jess
great alliteration
and excellent satori
- you know what though - i don't reckon you need the 'my'
love judy
xxx
you know what?
I thought about that 'my' and looking at it again I'm going to remove it,
thanks judy
subtle changes
I like this poem
I wanted to remove the "A"
in first line
"house of snowflakes"
i like myth concepts like titles
"house of tears"
"hall of mirrors" etc
but it works here fine
"under the Saharan sun"
when reading aloud one can
read it tradition style with emphasis
like "Thee" etc
and I wanted to put
"A" on the bottom finishing line
to imply that sanity has many faces
and a thousand legal definitions
depending on how good your lawyer
is
when I first read this I liked the "my" in
the last line but see that it really ecspands
the works (my ec's on my keyboard doesnt work)
Thank You
thanks for the thoughtful feedback
I don't feel that removing a in the first line adds much.
I can see you point with a in the last line, it would make it truer, but reduce impact.
Hi
I guess the "my" you removed must have been in last line. Only those willing to accept the absurd can be judged try sane is my take on this. Not sure if this is Haiku or Senryu as it contains elements of both( not that labeling matters). In any event it was enjoyable................stan
interesting take
isn't it wonderful that even 17 syllables can reveal layers of meaning? I love poetry.
Yeah, I invited the question of form by alluding to haiku in the title, but I don't really mind what it is called.