Layune
Dec 20, 2015

The View

Come along to the view.
Feast on meadows of dew.
Surrounded by broken limbs
And spilled crimson dreams.

Lay steps on
The terrace unwinding,
With shivers contracting.

Ode to the..
The lost soul of man,
The corruption of children,
And the clipped wings of dames.

All cries of mysterious blame
Vicariously re-shame,
And reframe
Notions of blue skies
And painted sunshine.

Beauty in flesh decays,
While wickedness
Appraises the day.

Among the balcony grove.
Alone with a view.
Fleeting sincerity
Creams wounds.

Alone.
Untouched.
Lovely whispers
Blow smoke
Into the hollow reflection
Of a maze untamed.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: California, United Sates, USA

More from this author

Comments

wesley snow

Your use of random rhyme was evocative. I don't much care for verso libre, but this is rich in metaphor and the language use is superb.
Did I mention I liked it?
I'd offer advice, but I wouldn't change a thing. You even proofread it (one of my pet peeves). No typographical errors.
Where have you been all my life?

Esker

Esker

9 years 4 months ago

I could feel the poem move
the descriptors..time
pondering and delved
maze untamed....

thank U