"He came
He saw
He conquered
But the delights remained few
The victory made paltry
By her cloying, surfeit love - yet to be eschewed.
His rage remained unremitted
His misogyny again renewed
Insatiable for the next conquest
There was nothing more she could do "
Dec 22, 2019
Veni Vidi Vici
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is based on the psychological profile of a malignant narcissist. I would be interested to know if that was obvious. I like exploring the inner psyche of my subjects. Thanks Peg
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hello Peg...
I like your title and the poem was clearly and most definitely about a narcissist!
Your language was easy enough to understand and the theme was consistent from beginning to end.
My one criticism is that the sixth line is a little out of the rhythm and kind of breaks it up. I understood the line, it just is somehow out of sync with the rest of it. Welcome to Neopoet and I hope that you have as great a time here as I have. Be sure and join our monthly contests and any workshops you find appealing. ~ Geezer.
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Thank you
Hello Geezer
Thank you for the cogent critique and the warm welcome. In hindsight and present view, I see what you mean by the 6 th line's "awkwardness ".
I'll take another look and fiddle with the words again. ;)
Hi Peggedit and a belated welcome to Neopoet.
This poem satisfies one of the prime requisites of poetry- compression of meaning. We are lucky buggers, we can even repeat ourselves and make it count. I learned this, in fact it's probably why i became a poet, growing up with five older sisters, when I could get a word in edgewise I had to make it count!
I do not mean to demean your poem by retelling a nasty joke about it, it is meaningful. Caesar was misquoted. He was coming out of a Brits tent after raping her and said "I saw, I conquered, I came". So yes, I think I recognised your subtext.
I really like your meaningful content. To a narcissist nothing but submission is meaningful and that, being a psychological aberrant, is naturally insatiable. The poem also addresses the sexual misuse of power. So critique? More prosodic values. How is
"He came, He saw, He conquered, But the delights remained few, The victory made paltry, By her cloying, surfeit love - yet to eschew., His rage remained unremitted, His misogyny again renewed, Insatiable for the next conquest, There was nothing more she could do "
Much different fro what you wrote?
Please be more specific about the level and type of critique you would like. We are here as a community of poets to address each others needs in honing our craft.
And also because poetry is a lonely craft.
Precis summary
Wow Weirdelf!
I thought I peggedit, but you nailed it! ;)
Your eloquent, cogent, precis summed up - not only the specifics of meaning, but the deep psychological constructs behind them.
Thank you so much for your feedback!
Merry season to you all!
Peg
Small edit, important change
Glad to see you using Neopoet the way it was made for.