I love your lips
when they tip into a smile,
graze against mine,
let hot breath escape and leave trails
of shivers across my spine...
I love your teeth
when they scrape across my skin,
rake against my throat,
nibble at my ear...
I love your tongue
when it explores,
slides and curls and flutters
against my...
oh...
Feb 20, 2014
untitled
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I'm specifically concerned with my ending. Do you think I should leave it as is or add another line to wrap it up? I originally had "I really love your mouth." But I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Leave it alone.
It's already too racy for an old man like me.
Hello AnnaNJ,
I agree with Wes, leave the ending alone. It creates not only a vivid image, with its implication of what is being done and the poet's reaction to it, but also creates a vivid sense of feeling that is quite erotic and intense.
I'm surprised that I have not read any of your poerty before. I will remedy this as soon as possible, for this is good free verse. Your language use is good, the cadence is as well, I like the theme very much - I write some erotic stuff myself - and the poem stays focused and on track, not meandering away like a lot of erotica does, into avenues irrelevant to the moments described.
And as for the ending, well, I think you already know how I feel about it!
I read your profile. A bit of advice: do not let inexperience get in the way of writing poetry. You don't need experience to be a good poet. You need practise. Write, and write every day, even if it turns out to be drivel; one day, you'll find yourself writing less and less of the drivel, and more and more of the good stuff.
An excellent little poem.
I agree with Jim.
You ARE a poet as of this moment. Now, just keep producing and make each poem an experiment in new forms and concepts. Never be still. You have what it takes, just practice. If you're curious about it, ask me about the Mentor Program. NeoPoet can set you up with someone who writes the same type of poetry you're striving for and help you with insights from their journey, so much like yours.
Think about it.
dayuuummmmmm
Well. First of all, I loved it. Second, I think if you added in "I love your mouth" instead of replacing something
I love your mouth
your tongue when it explores,
something like that. Still, I really do love it. The ending is superb.
Yours,
Mag