How many priceless moments life does show,
adored enough for us to store with gold,
yet brief they stay and leave us lone, to hold
our hearts and make their ills and sorrows grow.
Alas, how often hearts seek lasting glow,
imperfect joy and earthy lusts that mold
and rot then set our suns and moons less bold
forgotten and entombed with all they owe.
Yet wait, there’s still a hope for me and you
when heavens bid immortal life for us
with more eternal joy and happy times.
In heavens things shall feel and taste so true.
There, you and I shall muse our souls with plus
e'erlasting tunes that play and spiel with rhymes.
Comments
excellent iambic – yea rula
rhyme scheme almost spot on with an in-form sestet - cdecde –
however I think you need to look at the rhyme of the seventh line - ‘roads’ – to my ear not close enough to even be called approximate…. at least not for a sonnet
suggestion - ‘and rot then cause our suns and moons lose flow’
great volta xxx
one small thing about sonnet writing
it is an idea, when looking up the different styles, to ascertain for what reason the poets specifically developed the particular form
- this is what I have in my little sonnet memo book – sorry I can’t cite the reference as I never kept it
‘the Petrarchan Sonnet is a verse form that typically refers to a concept of unattainable love. It was first developed by the Italian humanist and writer, Francesco Petrarca. Conventionally Petrarchan sonnets depict the addressed lady in hyperbolic terms and present her as a model of perfection and inspiration'
I really like the choice of theme you have used. I don’t know if you meant to or not, but this can be read superficially as a genuine belief, then if one considers the form, it emerges as quite a cynical write
well done rula
love judy
xxxx
Appreciate your admiration dear Juddy
I definitely appreciate your comment and the add ..Always useful
I agree that the adding of the 's' makes it not an approximate rhyme ,but I am not sure of your suggestion as the octet's rhyme scheme is abba ,abba so it should rhyme something like hold bold ...etc. I am not sure if 'aboard' works better if replaced 'on roads'
What do you think?
As for your last comment..The theme here , and it is meant of course , represents one of my main beliefs as a Muslim that nothing in this life is eternal and that the true eternal life is the afterlife..
Always appreciate the depth in your comments ..Thank you
oops
oops
trying to rhyme the wrong sound
of course it is abba – I just got confused as ‘roads’ more rhymes with ‘glow’ than ‘mold’
so my adjusted suggestion :)
‘and rot then set our suns and moons less bold’
xxxx
shall consider it if
Yes, your second suggestion works well . I shall consider it if "abroad" does not work so as to mean 'away'..What do you think?
gold, hold, mold
with abroad - no - it does not rhyme :)
xx
oops
So it is me now..I shall consider 'less bold' with many thanks :)
oh
forgot to say - answer your question -
if abroad was appropriate rhyme, it would have meant what you wanted it to..
:)
I see
yes, that's what I thought too..
Hello
It has become apparent to me that sonnets are far from my strong point lol. The imagery here is strong and the rhyme pattern a difficult one to maintain but you did well in doing so. I Do wonder why you wrote the whole thing in double spaced lines instead of quatrains with ending rhyming couplet. Perhaps it's a requirement for this particular type sonnet? I also enjoyed the sense of longing you imparted..................stan
Thank you Stan
In fact I tried many times to put it in two quatrains and a sestet of two tercets but the system always gave me only a double space all through the piece , so strange ..
Thanks for dropping a visit and a kind comment.
A hint-
If you compose in Word then paste it in it should eliminate the double spacing.
Sorry for the confusion
I appreciate your comment dear Beau. Sorry I am late in replying.
As a matter of fact I dealt with heaven(s) like I do with skies. I believe there are more than one heaven , or one with different levels (that is for the good people , better ones and the best ) so that's how . In addition I won't worry with an article like 'a' when I use a singular Heaven , for that would spoil my meter..Lol