Man's effect on our world (October Contest

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Transgression (October Contest)

like black crows
hold onto an offense
the black rivers hold
our tarry
unconcern

it travels
all the way downstream
and ends
in our figs
and breakfast cereals

the clouds are in cahoots
and rain down
acid on flesh
and flower

nature has a violent
side
a loud
bullying caw
a sharp, swooping beak
multiplying brambles

its self defense
is merely
our transgression

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Comments

I really like your poems and

I really like your poems and i can see how they grow to be more complex and deeper almost every submission.
This poem inspired me, i also like it very much.
I did not find the ending as satisfying though, I want to hear about the blackness again at the end to wrap up the image.
Maybe something like that?

after "multiplying brambles..."

it's their defense
and yet it is helpless
against our blackness

I really like your idea, Iriz

I really like your idea, Iriz. thank you. I love how colors can capture a whole series of emotions or concepts. I didn't think of how important black was to the poem until you commented about the ending. I still like the idea of man transgressing against nature, so I might keep it. but you definitely made me think more creatively with your suggestion. thanks for the read and kind words!

My pleasure!!!

Greg

Love that 4th stanza I could almost hear the music that might go with these words

thanks, shadow dancer. i have

thanks, shadow dancer. i have been writing more poetry than music recently, and find the rhythm of poetry much different than song lyrics. but I'm glad that came to mind for you. I see that you're a lyric writer, too! would love to see some of your lyrics sometime.

Greg

A good write for the comp: I see when talking to Irene you talk about the colours:-
I love how colours can capture a whole series of emotions or concepts.
Well you remember the children I talk of from the Spirit side, one of their main ways of communicating is by colours.
They throw emotions and love around as splashes of colour.
They talk to each other in emotions mainly Love, some of the colours we can only imagine.

One day they will say I am crazy but I have Audio tapes of the children to back up my Madness lol Take care and you know that I have already bagged second place in the comp, as I prefer to go on cruises than receive $25 lol
Yours as always, Ian ..
On my site :- yenti.co.uk on the spiritual part Sadie's diaries and spirit words, you can see what I mean about the way they talk ..