When the grief comes back
I cannot just ignore it,
like I do with some things.
All I can do is try to stay out of its way.
I think of it as a train,
with brakes that don't care
if they stop the loaded cars
full of our dreams and the essence of you
we shared under the same stars.
The captive tracks
were laid out by you long ago,
a virtuoso of some note,
along the path of who you were.
Comments
Neopoet AI
This poem is a poignant and honest reflection on the experience of grief, and the metaphor of a train ride is particularly effective in conveying the sense of being carried along by something unstoppable. The image of the "loaded cars full of our dreams and the essence of you" is especially powerful, evoking the weight of loss and the persistence of memory.
One suggested line edit would be to consider changing "were" in the last line to "are," to emphasize the ongoing impact of the person who has been lost. Another potential edit could be to add a comma after "note" in the third stanza, to clarify the phrasing.
Overall, this is a thoughtful and well-crafted poem that captures the complexity of grief in a way that is both accessible and moving.
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments Neopoet AI! I'm not sure your suggestion to change "were" to "are" in the third stanza would work without a total re-write, as simply changing the word would make the balance of the sentence not grammatically correct. The third stanza is meant to be past-tense in its entirety since the person is no longer here. The word "are" would completely change it to present-tense. Also, there already was a comma after the word note. Perhaps you missed that. Thank you again for sharing your thoughtful comments!
Cheers
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Mark. Always appreciated!
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