Tracing the forest domicile
away from a shadowy civilization.
A dark toiling earth,
bereft nobility and worth,
amend self gratification.
Searing plains of adversity,
walls, ignorant, situate torn minds, once blissful.
Promise to appease,
a heavy avalanche of knees.
Thoughts in action turn choice deedful.
Yet still recede I to a cavernous mind,
meandering tunnels through questions too deep,
for beneath the surface, emptiness will seep.
Light shatters darkened forms to keep thee entwined.
Homely burrow, in a safe place.
A perfect sphere, a shell, awake. With perfect flaws,
unto fear unknown,
seeds hopefully sown;
ones dually fraught personal cause.
-------------------------------------------------------
Tracing the /forest /domi/cile 8
away /from a sha/dowy ci/viliza/tion. 12
A dark, /toiling earth, 5
bereft /nobi/lity/ and worth, 8
amend /self gra/tifica/tion. 8
Searing /plains of ad/versi/ty, 8
walls, /ignorant, /situ/ate torn/ minds, once /blissful. 12
Promise /to a/ppease, 5
a /heavy /ava/lanche of /knees. 8
Thoughts in /action /turn choice /deedful. 8
Yet still /recede I /to a cav/ernous/ mind, 11
Me/andering /tunnels through /questions too /deep, 11
for be/neath the /surface, /empti/ness will /seep. 11
Light sha/tters darkened/ forms to /keep thee /entwined. 11
Homely /burrow, /in a safe /place. 8
A per/fect sphere, /a shell, /awake. /With per/fect flaws, 12
unto fear /unknown, 5
seeds hope/fully sown; 5
ones dual/ly fraught per/sonal cause. 8
Comments
This is a really engrossing poem
I think it could work well in some sort of trochaic foot mixed in with dactyls.
In my head I think it would sound nice, but I am no expert in meter, not even a amateur so don't take my word for it.
A really evocative poem; I really enjoyed reading it:)!
Totally agree with Michelle that Trochaic would work for this
But I've also discovered, through the torments I inflicted on myself and other in the first meter workshop, that re-writing the meter of a poem is a total mindfuck. Don't even try. The meter needs to be there when you conceptualise it. You have to know meter before you can use it. This is probably the most important thing I've learned myself from these two workshops so I'm, going to re-post part of this comment on the workshop page.
The poem itself I really like. I gave you some feedback by PM. One crit I was hesitant about still stands. There are places where the lines don't link. Like a list of poetic lines. I'm not even going to make any suggestions on that but I wonder if you can see what I mean (it;s also part of why Trochaic would have worked)
Hello Bloodstone,
Very interesting structure. For not knowing meter at the time of the write you did well. I don't know antying past iambic and anapest, so thank you for parsing it out for us. I also found the rhyming sequence pleasing and unusual. My favorite lines are:
Yet still recede I to a cavernous mind,
meandering tunnels through questions too deep,
for beneath the surface, emptiness will seep.
Light shatters darkened forms to keep thee entwined.
always, Cat
Hey all
@MichelleK: Thank you for taking the time, glad you liked it:)
@weirdelf: I see how it would work as trochaic, had I written it like that. It would definitely pour the brain out my ears trying to re-write this! So, as interesting a task that may be... I think I'll decline.
This piece is kinda fractal, for lack of a better word/(understanding, on my part).
It jumps from where I am in the first line, searching for a place to 'off-load' or meditate, to pondering about what I feel to escape from... I suppose kinda like the more meter workshop, this poem deals with not being able to know where you're going if you don't know where you've come from, or rather knowing yourself in order to grow.
I may have botched the punctuation a bit?:P
@Candlewitch: I am addicted to syllables and rhyme as you can see:) Meter and I seem to be getting aquainted nicely, the relationships moving on, still haven't asked her favourite colour though:D
Thanks for the great feedback y'all..
ps weirdelf, I may not see the incoherence coz I wrote it? (<<coping out:P)