Crimson puddles in a gash,
in my mouth, no words, only ash.
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
.
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silence begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
.
Clouding skies outside I don’t see,
locked away inside, I hold no key.
My sickness, my disease, my depression,
only grows deeper upon further reflection.
My blood boils, and with it rage spoils,
like a reptile twisted in its own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.
Comments
King
You do get your concept and it is clear. I have to come back if you like and do my suggest to this one. I see you ask for constructive criticism and that is what I try to give.
Check on your punctuation first ( I will let you do that:) and there are two words in here that may be incorrect perhaps
reflection - instead of reflexion?
morning - or mourning as in sorrow?
Always check for syllable count also. Good theme and would like to enter again.
Let me know
Regards
Mona
Thank you
I didn't catch reflection, and thank you for that, lol.With "mourning" it was intended.I would love any help with smoothing it out.I actually really suck with punctuations.I will look over it again, Thank you.
King
Here is correction to apostrophes
Crimson puddles in a gash,
in my mouth, no words, only ash.
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
.
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silent begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
.
Clouding skies outside I don’t see,
locked away inside, I hold no key.
My sickness, my disease, my depression,
only grows deeper upon further reflection.
My blood boils, and with it my rage spoils,
as if I'm a reptile, lost in my own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.
Okay and here is my other thoughts
This part here maybe you can work it out. It does not do much for me but you may have a better way of saying it
Small explosions behind my eye,
growing in size, within every lie
The ending about the light of mourning... is it more dark of mourning? As I am not too familiar with your work just yet these are just a few things I gave it my thought. By all means you are the writer. Write so you get that point across and rework it as you wish until you and the reader gets the message or thought within it and you are exhausted within it.
Just my own opinion.
Let me know if you will
Regards
Monoa
Thank you
The punctuations are really close to what I had originally but Ive been playing with this post far too much today, lol.I actually just changed morning to mourning today, but I think it best conveys what I'm trying to say in this instance.My concept here is at the very moment when we lose a loved one and the regret and emotion one goes through before acceptance, hence the "light of mourning".Which "mourning" itself is the first step to moving on, or that was the thought at least, lol
Yes
And I thank you for that explanation. Your reader will know more about the write and it is also good to put a little synopsis in the remark box at the end. It tells and helps your reader with just some background about your write.
I am pleased and happy you polished it up and that is what this is all about. Give and take from writer to reader. Great.
Clarity is recieved here and good job working it out King,
I thought about ...
I thought about adding the explanation in the box when I made the change, but I wanted to see how it came across first, lol.I tend to experiment quite a bit (for better of worse)lol.
Thank you very much Rosi
Your help is most welcome as always.I'm glad you liked this and thank you:-)
Dear KZ,
I very much relate to this piece. Especially the lines:
Scratching at my arms and legs,
with each new wound, silence begs.
I won’t listen, won’t pay attention,
daydreaming, my internal confession
For the most part I've stopped listening to the itchy compulsions.
&
My blood boils, and with it rage spoils,
like a reptile twisted in its own coils.
Tortured, I received no warning,
somewhere between chaos,
and the light of mourning.
I know these feelings intimately. A damned good write. I have no suggestions.
always, Cat
Thanks Cat
I thought you would like this one, I'm just sorry that you know these feelings first hand.Thanks for reading:-)
Thanks Shirl:-)
You like the same lines as me, those lines I believe are the only ones untouched also.Thanks Shirl, glad you liked it:-)