Like hasty hurried hummingbirds
before the first cool autumn breeze
names and places, even words
fade like mundane memories
Whisps of mists are all that's left
of a mind once crisp and clear
ere long my mind will be bereft
of even those I now hold close
Before ability absconds
I'll go on one last woodland wander
Ere Alshimmers steals my sole
I'll.....I'lll....I'll what? I sit and wonder
Before....Befive.....Honeybees....BB's....................
Last Few Words: I know, it's supposed to be Short. But for Me this IS short lol. I used the following devices in this poem : Illiteration - the close repetition of vowel or consonant sounds Imagery - description of surrounding in order to place reader within the poem Metaphore - comparing one dissimilar item to another Form Punctuation - using the actual form of a poem to emphsize all or parts of a poem (In this instance I used Morphing poetry in order to mirror the change in the protagonist's mental capacity, going from ordered rhyme to extreme disordered free verse)
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Beau
I'll freely admit abscombs is a typo. It appears a bit too early in the poem to be a hint of protagonist's mind slipping . Form punctuation is a term I came up with on my own when I started writing free verse I began using an even more extreme form of it in which the actual appearance of the poem changed to mimic what was going on. Alas, since the crash I can no longer do that here but gradually changing from one type poetry to another works about as well.
i posted this Then started reading others' shop posts and thought "Boy am I gonna catch it for being too long and using too many devices!" lol............stan Hmmmm...........perhaps I should have said for the POEM being too long lmao
Stan
As usual you are near top of the class, apart from Yenti, he wins every task, even has a cup for the cliché workshop which has been disputed ???.
Not sure if to hold DEAR would be better at the end of line eight as it stays with your Rhyme then it all goes to bits, as it should do, for the last Stanza..
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T
Hi Ian
In the 1st paper copy I Did use clear. But while transferring it to here i decided that to break rhyme at that place might be a subtle hint of deterioratiob yet to come......................stan
I like it
but you should have included the original so we could compare them
Hi Jess
The only edit was a correction on misspelling absconds which was unintentional, not done as part of poem. I'm pleased you like this experimental form. PS I'm still holding the write we discussed earlier for Ron's shop............stan
i love the 'm' alliteration in this write
it so suits the theme mmmmmmmmm - exactly the word that my mind is always saying lol
i query whether this is metaphor - i'm inclined to think it is simile
'Like hasty hurried hummingbirds'
unless you are referring to
'Whisps of mists are all that's left
of a mind once crisp and clear' - but even here i don't really think so
but i love the personification in
'Before ability absconds'
the write works well, especially as i said, with the 'm' alliteration...
but i really don't like the form mutation-or-whatever-you-call-it..
it tends to make me think of a messy schoolkid who can't get the last verse right (lol - just me and my rigid compulsive/obsessive tendancies) - i know you wanted it to seem your memory was worsening - but it doesn't work for me
love judy
xxx
Hi judy
I guess I might should have left out "Like" in first line but I just can't help from sacrificing form for clarity of messge lol. So I'll go back and check difference between metaphor and simile and decide whether to edit the poem or the author contents. (still can't get used to thinking of myself as an author ). MORPHING lol. It works best when the change is more gradual but I was already worried that the poem was too long. When really done well the change in form is gradual enough to almost be unnoticed until the reader gets to the end and say to seff"what just happened?" Just an experimental form which I've used a couple of times here................stan
alliteration
*works really nice all through Stan
hasty hurried hummingbirds
Before ability absconds
I think I like it because it works as an effective tool to give the singsongy sound.
*I think the first line is more simile than metaphore
My question is can we use the simile without the use of like or as and which could be more effective if possible.
*Ps , Judy brought it to my attention yesterday that this is the Positive critique not the constructive critique if you like to relable your poem.
my answer to your question rula is
lol i am not sure
just a thought
perhaps if it was used by saying the object and then the simile it would be more that than metaphor (without the as/like)
eg
‘a harvest moon – an orange globe
rises in the sky’
??? - is this still metaphor, probably
xxx
Hi
I think you are correct about 1st line. I'm in process of deciding whether to drop the "Like" or edit the author comments. And I guess I should probably change shop name also...before Judy gets her whip out lol.......stan
Hyperbole
Sorry..one more thing
has anyone read the first line as hyperbole? As we all know that the hummigbirds's wings vibrate really fast ,and adding hurried added more to make it read as hyperbole(imo)
hyperbole
not really to do with sound rula
check out beau's poem, i don't think you have yet...
xxx
I am humming
The last verse I couldn't understand, but some might!
Don't know what Alshimmers is? Am I supposed to smile here?
I am smiling, but don't know if I have been positive enough,
I am humming as a result, if that's what you want. :) Ann.
"of even those I now hold close" This line begs Dear at the end.
Hi Ann
The protagonist in this poem is suffering from Alsheimer's and the Alshimmers is supposed to display the beginnings of his mental decline as does the "close" misrhyme. The last line is supposed to show him as the disease approaches it's final stage and ideas and words come randomly. I guess I may not have been clear enough in conveying these thingd. But I Do appreciate your coming by............stan
When was your mind ever crisp and clear? [grins]
Love the first two verses, you have a poet's sense of clarity and sensibility in language.
I feel the third stanza is a cop-out. I know if you got Alzheimers you would shoot yourself. As I would. In fact the time might be getting close, further tests reveal I may have a rare form where memory is not so badly affected as personality- one becomes a nasty old bastard. You're all used to that, but it could get worse, and if that happens I would like to leave with some dignity and a legacy than a life ban.
Hi
The Protagonist's mind was once crisp and clear lol. I think the third stanza is needed in order to make sense of the title which if expanded would read"I waited too late to put an end to myself in my beloved forests and have now deteriorated beyong the ability to do so". Had to show what his intentions were somewhere.
As an aside .....you sometimes come closer to displaying tourette's than Alzheimers lol. Don't let doctors playing guessing games get you down....................stan
deleted
don't know what came over me,
sorry
hi
I've been called much worse than boring ....................stan PS I never claimed to be much of a poet so you'll have to do better than that.........................stan
Fair cop
no more excuses.
Self critique
To begin with, despite this being a shop poem which was directed to be short, I think at least one more stanza would be needed in order for the morphing (used to reflect declining mental ability) to be effective. The poem as is is so short that the decline appears to happen too quickly instead of being a gradual thing, Also the form punctuation might be more effective in the last stanza if done thusly :
Ere Alshimmers steals my.........
SOUL
I'll....I'll......What? I sit and wonder
before I.......befour
befive........
behive.........
honeybees?
.............BBs?...........................................
Guess that's what I get for trying to pack too much into one shop poem............stan
Hi Beau
No matter how much I might think this author needs help I just can't bring myself to cuss him out lmao.........stan