Simon
Simon
Apr 30, 2021
This poem is part of the workshop:

Primal Poetry

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Time is not running (Narrative workshop)

The school opens at 7:00 am
And closes at 2:00 pm
Hmmm such a long time waiting
Well, the teacher's so nice
Friendly and jovial
All pupils enjoy learning

Their engagement flow well
But something changed
Excuse me miss
What time is it?
12:30 pm I guess
And she continues teaching

Jerry gazed at the clock endlessly
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.
Tick, Tock he counts the seconds
Seems like a count down game
It runs in his mind
The river side swimming game
Slowly the miss approaches

Hey Jerry
What are you thinking
In shuck jerry answered
But the time is not running
What's about it? Miss asked
Uhh, but I must run
Jerry, the most playful amongst all
He jumped out of the class.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Just remember my primary school days

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Nigeria , abuja

Favorite Poets: Any good poet of my likening

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

should the line: "what time it is?" be: what time is it? and Tik Tak is usually: Tick Tock, Tick Tock, for the marching of the clock. keep working on it, I'm sure that you will do well. good luck to you!

*hugs, Cat

Ray Whitaker

However i think you should add a bunch more to it. Develop it more, by adding more content about the classroom maybe?

You don’t have to go as far as Van Halen did, in the song “Hot For Teacher” however you could add some scene that relates where the classroom is.

Strap in for this video.... private message me if you want the link for the video

Simon

Simon

3 years 11 months ago

Very much for another suggestion I will work towards it, you know it's draft work so when I revisit it I'll do as that.

Michael Anthony

Hi Simon! I enjoyed the enthusiasm and lighthearted humor of this piece - good stuff! Not sure you need to really add too much more to this, but there are some suggestions that might help clarify the intent and humor of this piece of narrative poetry.

Some random thoughts:
- "In shuck jerry answered" - maybe: flippantly, Jerry answered, or mischievously, Jerry answered...
- "But the time is not running What's about it? Miss asked" - maybe: The time seems to be standing still. "What about it?" Miss asked

Just a couple of suggestions Simon, but I think you are on the right track - thanks for sharing!

Best