Why do I still wander
in the expanse of time
I live in a vast wilderness
as a real bard would say
since one's ashes
they immerse in the ocean
of infinite eternal time
without a murmur or chime
life took him a long
very long way
he left me in a serious loss
swimming in the shallows
who knows what's next
why live longer than long
why not let life ebb away
why I must still continue to stay
never mind no one will miss me
a learner all my over 80 years
still thanks for the concern
but I will tell you to discern
as of now three docs say
keep living till you pass away
when will that be
none can so say
I do normally and peacefully stay
even heavens are in tears today
crying loud come right away
I ask which way silently they too stay
it rains no not in their eyes
but mine
as all know these days
I calmly and peacefully do stay
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Why do I still wander
in the expanse of time
I live in a vast wilderness
as a good poet would say
since ones ashes
they immerse in the ocean
of eternal time
life took him a long
very long way
he left me in a serious loss
swimming in the shallows
who knows what's next
why live longer than long
why not let life ebb away
what makes me so invaluable
that I must still continue to stay
never mind no one will miss me
a learner all my over 80 so long...
days
thanks for the concern
but I will tell you to discern
as of now three docs say
keeping living till you pass away
when will that be
none can so say
even heavens are in tears today
crying loud come right away
it rains no not in their eyes
but mine
as all know these days
I do silently peacefully stay
Comments
The best piece you've written that I have read
really.
I do have suggestions, tho.
-S1 L4 remove "good poet" and substitute another word, like bard or something everyone might know. it'll increase your imagery more than what you have
-S1 make the stanza in even numbered lines. all your other stanzas are even number except the S4. it'll speak to form, and make the poem more readable
-S5 L3 move to S5 L2 to give a couplet stanza. this is an important set of words, the meaning there is at the heart of your poem. Also this will fall into the even numbered stanzas speaking to form and use of white space.
Really nice poem you have here.
I love it
I see you took Ray’s advice. It reads excellent. Totally natural.