Betwixt the
Shimmering constellations
And the
Black pines
Inside its eye
The face of a thousand midnights
Sharpening its talons
On the cheeks of the fair
And slake their thirst
On the darkening air
Apr 30, 2013
Three in a tree's bad luck...
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Sometimes its what you don't say... or see.. as in horror flics...
Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
why?
why?
Hi
I assume this is about owls rather than some type monster. Seems I've heard three nights' owl call from the same tree is bad luck. But sometimes it's better to say a bit more to let the reader in on what's going on lol. Those last four lines are truly exceptional..............stan
Crows..
Its about crows and they are monsters...
Hi
Crows huh? I guess the shimmering constellations thing misled me into thinking you meant a night bird. And yes, crows can be very cruel ..................stan
Club
These words could be used for a grand poem but as Stan couldn't find the theme, Don't forget many countries have differing fables and strange sayings..
I took this(well Sparrow said) " Tree in a toilet tree is bad" but he's part Irish, and tree trees is nine I give up LOL, Yours, Ian.Tree
Creates a powerful word picture
yet somehow feels incomplete.
I really question the use of betwixt instead of between. Kind of overly poetical, keep it real.
Between shimmering
Between shimmering constellations
and the black pines.--- this would be a better format
Inside its eye---whose eye? One of the 3 in the tree? this is too vague
The face of a thousand midnights--- too melodramatic and exaggerated.
Sharpening its talons
On the cheeks of the fair-also way too melodramatic,
And slake their thirst-slake is archaic and also this from the bible and properly should be in single quotes
On the darkening air- 'darkening air' is from Dicken's and should also be in single quotes.
I did like this although I've been fairly critical. You mention Crowley as one of your inspirations, an interesting magician but a lousy poet, suggest you expand your reading and include some modern poets.