Alan Garfoot
Alan Garfoot
Jul 23, 2023
This poem is part of the contest:

July 2023 New Member Contest 🏆 Winner

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Thought Intention

I’ve been living double lives for so many years
Bringing all of my loved ones slowly to tears,
So the next chapter of my life dawning now nears,
I will take the time to voice a few of my fears.

For too long I have dreamt of having real success,
I have given my all my soul and tried my very best,
So whilst striving for then the few, the many and the rest,
I have carried our ideals to the waves' highest crest.

And my trophy for realising these great noble ideals,
Is to make a better life for everyone now true and real,
For there are those amongst us who our hope could steal,
Trying to control our soul through what we think and feel.

So only by overcoming the inner conflicts we feel inside,
Can truly we discover where our real self resides,
And only then we can honestly conclude and decide,
Where we are destined through our intentions of our minds.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: England, UK

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Thought Intention" explores the theme of living a double life and the desire for success while also maintaining noble ideals. The poem has a clear structure and uses rhyme to create a rhythmic flow. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened.

First, consider revisiting the use of clichés and common phrases. Lines such as "Bringing all of my loved ones slowly to tears" and "I have given my all my soul and tried my very best" feel somewhat predictable and lack originality. Try to find fresh and unique language to express your ideas.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from more specific and concrete imagery. Rather than using abstract language like "inner conflicts" and "real self," try to paint a vivid picture that engages the reader's senses and emotions. This will make your message more relatable and impactful.

Lastly, be mindful of the consistency of your metaphors. The poem begins with the idea of living double lives, but then transitions

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Hello, Alan,
Candid poem. Being aware of, and facing our fears is a true awakening and major step toward happiness. So much interrupts/changes our destiny and tries to control us. The poem lends much to think about. Great final stanza. Nice rhyme pattern throughout.
Thank you!
L

J

I went to your profile after reading this poem.. because it has a strong beat, and I wanted to see who you are. So I can see how this poem could be performed/read to an audience, and the skill of your (sometimes uneven?) rhythm is lovely. I am not a great fan of rhyming lines, but of course this works here.