scribbler

Mar 23, 2013

THERE WAS NO BEFORE

We've been together for so long
memories of the times before
now seem out of place and wrong
like bare shelves in a busy store.

How can it have come to be
we've shared three and forty valentines?
Though time has been unkind to me
you've improved like rare red wine.

Our path has often been unsmooth
as we've traveled through the many years.
You haven't anything to prove,
you've already shed too many tears.

But there have been some deep joys too;
sometimes waters have't been too rough.
When I awaken next to you
I smile and know that is enough.

So come and hold my hand once more,
whose fingers mesh so perfectly,
as we open yet another door
I'd choose none else to be with me.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I know this was posted a bit late for valentines

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

hello Stan

I'd label it "Together forever " but this might read as cliche for you
Nice theme and well presented especially the opening and closing lines

Hi Rula

Cliche is not alway a bad thing but I wanted this to convey having been together so long as to not be able to recall what it was like previous to meeting. I'm pleased you took time to read and drop off such kind comment............stan

We've been together for so

We've been together for so long
memories of the times before
now seem out of place and wrong
like empty shelves in an old store--an old is a little awkward, maybe something similar eg 'a silent'

How can it have come to be
we've shared three and forty valentines
though time has been unkind to me
you've improved like rare red wine

Our path has seldom been too smooth
as we've traveled through the (many) years--many is unnecessary
you haven't anything to prove
you've already shed too many tears-this line seems a bit cliched, not as good as the rest of the poem.

But there have been some deep joys too
sometimes waters have not been rough--- the water sometimes not so rough?
when I awaken next to you
I smile and know that is enough

So come and hold my hand once more
whose fingers mesh so perfectly
as we open yet another door--'yet' sounds old fashioned, maybe 'one more door' would also give you an internal rhyme
I'd choose none else to be with me-nice end line.

I had to check whether you wanted a crit of this since it is personal, I see that you did, its a fine testament. Hope my suggestions don't seem impertinent.
ross

Hi Ross

I Always encourage ideas. I am also aware that some of this wasn't quite right. Indeed it was trying to eliminate even bigger flaws which took so long getting this posted. I'll give your ideas (which mostly seemed good) serious consideration when I edit in a few days. Always good to see you drop by............stan

This version is like ripples in the lives of all human all days

this version is like ripples...... in the lives of all humans
all days

and nights cannot be even
the sun shines much more
and rains must also come for sure------

or how else will dry summers pass by
if rain remains sky high

hold her hand till one can
for who knows when a tsunami comes
who knows whats in store tomorrow

so enjoy the hour for now
as you are from many dawns not far
come catch on
ere the lasting dawn

Hi Loved

I figure the truth of love having ups and downs (as does life) would be more realistic than to say otherwise lol. Also tried to avoid worn out phrases where I was able. Appreciate you stopping by.............stan

though I'm yet not on your reading list

I appreciate your responses
Stan ....
the only Neopoet's man!

Hey Bro

I really loved this one the feelings in it shine brightly I cant see anything I could offer I think Ross covered it really well

I hope you gave this to Susan isnt it ? Maybe I am wrong

love JC xxx

Hi Jayne

Sorry for late reply, been extremely busy past few days. Appreciate you coming by. And yes, it's Susan lol. She's got to where she doesn't like reading anything I write for her. Says they make her cry.....I didn't think they were That bad lol..............stan

Love Mand xxxxx

hello

we've only been married 39 years but we've been together 43 lol. Glad you enjoyed this little edit...........stan