raj
May 04, 2014

A Tanka on Eclipse

World watches in awe
the superimposition
Earth shadowing Moon

Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

alidzain

A senryu followed by a couplet is actually called a tenka, at least that's what i remember from barabara's workshop. By the way, I counted 6 syllables in the second line of the couplet, unless I am wrong and "rendezvous" is a 4- syllabled word.

Alid

R

I stand corrected. The workshop conducted by Babara recently was titled Renga 6 and not Senryu 6 as i had mentioned in my earlier response to your comment. Now Barabara needs to confirm if this poem classifies as Renga or Tenga. :) we will soon find out if she happens to visit this one...

Regards,

R

raj

10 years 11 months ago

Thanks for the visit and your comment. I feel rendezvous is a 3 syllable word. Assuming that to be correct I so agree that the syllable count works out to 6. Thanks for spotting this. I will correct it to 7 by replacing "At" with "During"

The workshop recently conducted by Barbara was called Senryu 6. I therefore await her clariifiation should she visit here, if this should be called a Senryu or Tenka.

Regards,

loved

loved

10 years 11 months ago

I promised to remain
within my freer domain
you ur title
do retain

Rula

Rula

10 years 11 months ago

I really thought this very clever... The word choice, the imagery, no word wastes.
I won't change a thing. Perfect!

Barbara Writes

I happy to see the discussion here and you guys enthusiasm for learning new forms of poetry.
Actually. Alid is correct what you have written is called a Tanka. (not Tenka).

A senryu***
World watches in awe
the superimposition
Moon shadowing Sun

A couplet***
Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous

Senryu + Couplet = Tanka

R

Thank you Barbara for the visit and your clarification. You didn't comment though on the Tanka...

Alid you were spot on...I stand corrected friend..

Regards,

Barbara Writes

I had plan to comment. Just wanted to make sure yall understand the difference.
I think the Tanka is beautiful. The very first line sets up the image. A star gazer watching the beautiful union of the moon and the sun and then the dance like that of a bride and groom, the moon eclipse the sun. beautiful

R

Thank you for re-visiting this page and your comment, works like tonic.

Regards,.

alidzain

I think I'm going to attempt posting a Tanka as well for the sake of learning . All I ask is for your guidance as usual for me to improve in my writing and usage of the English words.Barbara, may I suggest that we have another Renga Workshop for those who are keen on the subject and who wanted to join but have missed out on the previous workshop.

Alid

swamp-witch

As Barbara has mentioned, a Japanese poem following the syllable pattern 5-7-5-7-7 is a Tanka, although, it may be confusing to think of the last two lines as a couplet because couplets can be any length. Also, couplets tend to be a separate stanza but Tankas can be either 5-7-5-7-7 (one stanza) or 5-7-5 7-7 (two stanzas).

I also wrote a poem commemorating the eclipse, but I'm still not ready to post it!

If I may make one small suggestion, in a lunar eclipse, it is the earth which is shadowing the moon, so if this poem is about the lunar eclipse, line three should read "earth shadowing moon". Hope this helps.

R

raj

10 years 11 months ago

So very nice of you to stop by and provide meaningful insights. They are much appreciated. I would look forward to read your post on eclipse...

Good catch on the shadow aspect, I will get it corrected.

Regards and thanks,