Take away my eyes,
I will not see!
Take away my ears,
I will not hear!
Take away my heart,
I will not feel!
Take away my soul,
I will not fear!
Take away my hands,
I will not touch!
Take away my mouth,
I will not speak!
Take away my legs,
I will not run!
Take away my inner child,
I will not know fun!
Take away memories,
And I will have none.
Take it all!
There’s nothing left for
me to have, or give!
Take my life,
So I will not live!
Last Few Words: Thank you for reading and commenting. :)
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Take Away" is a strong exploration of the human experience and the importance of various sensory, emotional, and cognitive aspects that make up our identities. The repetition of "Take away" effectively creates a rhythm and a sense of urgency, which can be very engaging for readers.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied and specific imagery. For instance, instead of saying "Take away my eyes, I will not see!", you could consider describing what the speaker would miss seeing, which could add a layer of depth and make the loss more tangible for the reader.
Additionally, the poem seems to rely heavily on negation ("I will not..."). While this can be a powerful tool, it might be worth exploring how you could convey the same ideas in a more active way. For example, instead of "Take away my mouth, I will not speak!", you might consider "Take away my mouth, silence becomes my language!" This could provide a more dynamic and engaging reading experience.
Lastly, the final lines "Take it all! There’s nothing left for me to have, or give! Take my life, So I will not live!" seem to suggest a sense of despair. If this is the intended tone, it might be worth considering how you could build up to this more gradually throughout the poem, to give the ending more impact. If it's not the intended tone, you might want to revise these lines to better align with the rest of the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I love your line "Take Away"
I love your line "Take Away" and the repetition
Take Away
Hello, Carrie,
I realize this may be a poem about an individual, but I can tell you how this poem speaks to me. It is the voice of those who are oppressed, persecuted, dismissed or forgotten. It sets the tone of what may happen when lives are abused and abandoned, individually or as a people of a nation. It is very moving.
Thank you!
L