Rula
Rula
Jun 12, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

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At the Sunset (internal rhyme)(Rhyme Crimes WS)

I always wanted to creep 'n
sleep in your heart-ocean
So deep shall leap my heart
If ever you accept the notion.

Or should I be a commotion,
an abrupt motion in your sea?
Know, I shall always be a wave, brave
to save a love, if stolen from me.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

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Comments

wesley snow

What has happened to your writing? Since coming to NeoPoet everything I see coming from you is three times as complex as your work before and this "rhymer" is brilliantly original. Talk about writing out of the box.
wesley

themoonman

I always wanted to creep 'n
sleep in your heart -ocean
So deep shall leap my heart
If ever you accept the notion.

Or should I be a commotion,
an abrupt motion in you-sea?
Know, I shall always be a wave, brave
to save a love, if ever been stolen from me.

Ok, I copied it here so I could see it easily,
I question your use of the hyphen, for one thing
it shouldn't have a space between unless "and"
is part of the run on, but it also should be sensible,
heart -ocean; perhaps heart-ocean which I would've
used heart's ocean. The "you-sea", the hyphen is right
but it makes little sense, perhaps your-sea but I don't
think there would be a need for the hyphen there.
I like your little poem and it was only these two things
that caused me to stop, which a poet doesn't want the
reader to do, it should flow with ease, at least that's what
we strive for. Your internal rhyme was right on, I really liked
the first line which is a grabber for me.

thank you for posting

Rula

Thank you for giving the time .In fact you've stopped on the same spots where I did when I first composed .I didn't mean to leave the space in the first pause however so I simply did the edit .As for the second, I liked your suggestion so I've corrected accordingly
Thank you again.Highly appreciated.

judyanne

this is beautiful

i have one question
'to save a love, if ever been stolen from me'
-'been' -- i'm just wondering if you might mean 'being' - as in happening at the time, rather than 'been' as in past tense??
- but can i suggest that you drop the word altogether? for rhythm...

great rhyme, lovely theme

love judy
xxx

Rula

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

Corrected dear Neopoet Cop [smiles]

weirdelf

and it satisfies not just in content and the 'terms of the exercise' but in a feeling of naturalness, so hard to attain.