Success that matters

On Brighton Beach
she had me

structuring castles with toe holds
and a moat to hold the ocean back

In those days
I could do no wrong

After thirty years
and many human failings

I still catch a glimpse
from her eyes
the stardom of fatherhood

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Great poem great subject written well

A very succinct and loving poem about a father daughter relationship that florishes. My own daughter is less close but the love we share is always there when we meet. The lure of the first two lines draws the reader to look for resolution. It not till the last line that the resolution comes. Great device used very well.

Joe

Hi Joe,

Thanks, glad you liked it. A daughter's love is one of
the finer things in life !!!

Richard

Hi

the break between the first 2 Ss seems arbitrary
I would avoid the repetition of 'her eyes' by editing out the first use of it, its unnecessary .
Apart from that I loved it especially the last line.
It's so easy for poetry like this to become sentimental and too personal, you've avoided that completely and yet still talked to our hearts.

Hi Ross,

Always glad to have your input. The break you refer to was
intentional, it was meant to give pause, let the reader wonder
a second, I find it more effective in reading it aloud with that
pause. I believe I'll take your advice on removing the first
"her eyes", although that was intentional as well but with such
a short poem the repetition is quite unnecessary.

thank you sir, appreciate the feedback !!!

Richard

Hi Richard

I only have sons but the esteem that still occasionally leaks out of them for their imperfect father is one of the blessings of parenthood. I think in that third line that building would fit better than structuring........simpler word just seems to fit better with a child's effort lol..............stan

Stan,

You are so right, I have two sons and two girls and a gleam
from any of them makes my day. My original word there was
"building" but I liked "structuring" better for its meter, doesn't
mean it's the right word though, might just change it back.

thank you, appreciate the feedback Stan,

Richard

beautiful

I'd love to share
with all my world's daughters
i have many
within family

Thanks Loved,

appreciate your stopping in and commenting

Richard

This poem

is the one I like best out of about ten of yours which I have read. It paints a clear picture for me as well as containing a beautifully wistful glance back at the past. Being a good father to a daughter is indeed a unique experience and one which I eventually spoilt through mental illnesses, so your poem brings back memories almost lost in a jumble of later mistakes. The succinct description of sandcastle-building is sublime. There are no weak stanzas, making the poem itself a little castle, but made of something much harder than sand...
Best wishes,
Robert.

I love this poem as well and know it to be emotionally true

I especially like how it's structured - how the child has you at the start and you see how you have her at the end. The mutuality of the love is reflected in the structure. And the structure seems masculine somehow, hard but soft on the content inside, much like the author himself, I suspect.