Because of his death,
We had to face a lot of flak.
Living on the streets, parched, starving and cold;
Always on the run and hiding
As if we’re at war with law and order.
Everything we earned, we gave away
To play with guns and bullets,
When we lost our way home,
We bribed and got an extra dose of happiness.
The moon spoke about our silence
When it illuminated radiantly;
It always right when it shone like a fresh rose.
Something we knew
Was only a temporary solution to our problem:
…back to our country,
…back to our home.
We’re the people that were bound by our helplessness
We fought for survival
Even when we didn’t know
Where our next meal would come from,
The more we suffered
The closer our death be.
Jun 01, 2022
In The Strange Land
About This Poem
Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
hello Mr. joghe,
shone like a rose.
*hugs, Cat
My mentor, thank you for your
My mentor, thank you for your advice!
I am thinking...
that your sparse lines
and thoughts remind me of Senryu.
The line: "We bribed and got an extra dose of happiness"
Although it doesn't follow the syllable count/measure
of 5-7-5, it has the same thought process. Give the reader the
thought with few extras. Nicely done.
Yes, the word, [as Cat has said] is [shone].
Another thing; you should use "Always on the run and [hiding]"
Let's see you take advice and revise your work. ~ Geezer.
.
I am grateful for your advice
I am grateful for your advice. I'll work on it.