You said I love you for the first time
as you stepped from my car;
in a hurry to check us in at the crowded restaurant
while the car and I were headed for the gravel lot.
In that brief moment my hobnailed pause,
unintendedly cruel, must have made you feel
you had betrayed your vulnerable heart.
I considered your courage as you hesitated.
Disarmed by your words, but with clarity in the fore,
I echoed them back to you.
As I walked back, the humble pebbles and stones at my feet,
once common and plain, now seemed to be diamonds,
dancing with light where they had always been.
Together again at our table with a view,
we looked up from our worn menus
as the waiter queried, part of a practiced greeting
without really seeing, "Beautiful day isn't it?"
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Title: Stones Into Diamonds
The poem effectively captures a significant moment in a relationship, specifically the first utterance of "I love you." The narrative structure is well-executed, allowing readers to follow the events and emotions of the scene. However, there are a few areas where improvements can be made to enhance the poem's overall impact.
1. Imagery: The poem employs imagery to convey the transformation of ordinary objects into something extraordinary, such as the pebbles and stones becoming diamonds. To strengthen this metaphor, consider adding more sensory details to the scene. For example, describe the colors, textures, or sounds that accompany this transformation.
2. Punctuation and line breaks: The punctuation and line breaks in the poem can be adjusted to improve the flow and rhythm. For instance, consider breaking the line "in a hurry to check us in at the crowded restaurant" into two separate lines to give the reader a better sense of the hurried nature of the moment.
3. Emotional depth: The poem could benefit from a deeper exploration of the emotions experienced by both the speaker and the other person. The current description of the "hobnailed pause" and the feeling of betrayal could be expanded upon to provide a more nuanced understanding of the characters' emotional states. This could be achieved by incorporating more figurative language or by delving into the internal thoughts of the speaker.
4. Ending: The poem's conclusion with the waiter's comment, "Beautiful day isn't it?" serves to bring the reader back to the present moment. However, the impact of this line could be heightened by connecting it more directly to the themes of love and transformation. Consider revising the ending to emphasize the newfound beauty in the world, as seen through the eyes of the speaker, after the exchange of "I love you."
By addressing these suggestions, the poem can be refined to create a more vivid and emotionally resonant portrayal of a pivotal moment in a relationship.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Dear Michael
I kind of feel like I was a voyeur on a very private moment, but what a beautiful moment it is. Thanks so much for sharing this, it's absolutely brilliant, there isn't a word I would change!!
Bravo!!
Kind Regards
Seren
Thank you for the very kind
Thank you for the very kind words Seren. Glad you liked it, and joined us for the moment.
Best