As Spring retreats for Summer to hit
with plums and cherries; black and red;
I'll eat the fruits and leave you the pits,
as Spring retreats for Summer to hit.
I'll make some ice cream and I'll cool it;
let everyone know, let the word spread;
as Spring retreats for Summer to hit,
with plums and cherries, black and red.
May 11, 2016
This poem is part of the contest:
May 2016 Contest - Triolet - $25 Amazon.com Gift Card Prize
As Spring Retreats
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
High Rula
I wouldn't mind eating this poem - it sounds delicious!
I don't remember the rules for a triolet ( is there a strict syllable count ). So I'll look it up and get back to you, though I'm pretty sure you've got it right ( that's from my leaky memory ).
I found your poem to be uplifting and a joy to read - one observation "pits" do you see pits as pips?
Keep safe Rula
Love your poetry
Mand xxxxx
Hello dear Mand
and many thanks for your kind visit.
As referred to the form in the links provided by Jonathan, there is no v.strict meter though it always advisable to be consistent in such short presentations.
As for the the word "pit", my online dictionary "advanced English, shows my use is correct. Here are the meanings it provides for the same word. It's meaning No. 3
pit
noun
1. pit, cavity a sizeable hole (usually in the ground)
"they dug a pit to bury the body"
2. pit, fossa a concavity in a surface (especially an anatomical depression)
3. stone, pit, endocarp the hard inner (usually woody) layer of the pericarp of some fruits (as peaches or plums or cherries or olives) that contains the seed
"you should remove the stones from prunes before cooking"
4. Hell, perdition, Inferno, infernal region, nether region, pit (Christianity) the abode of Satan and the forces of evil; where sinners suffer eternal punishment
"Hurl'd headlong...To bottomless perdition, there to dwell" - John Milton
"a demon from the depths of the pit"
"Hell is paved with good intentions" -Dr. Johnson
5. pit an enclosure in which animals are made to fight
6. pit (commodity exchange) the part of the floor of a commodity exchange where trading in a particular commodity is carried on
7. pit (auto racing) an area at the side of a racetrack where the race cars are serviced and refueled
wordnet:
8. pit, pitfall a trap in the form of a concealed hole
9. pit, quarry, stone pit a surface excavation for extracting stone or slate
"a British term for `quarry' is `stone pit'"
10. orchestra pit, pit lowered area in front of a stage where an orchestra accompanies the performers
11. colliery, pit a workplace consisting of a coal mine plus all the buildings and equipment connected with it
Hope this helps.
Many thanks again.
Feells like a rolling..
incantation through the seasons, and love the refrain of the fruit. It's literally, short and sweet! Enjoyed this. Wondered is it "pits" or "pips"? Perhaps it was intentional, or a Freudian slip ;)
Take care,
Chris.
Pit/Pip/Stone
I think the use of the word depends on where you're from. Although I do not in any way claim to be an expert, I teach English (in England) and pit is not a word we use here in the UK, we would say pip or stone dependent on the size and quantity and seed for berries. I gather in the US of A they would say pit, so Rula, as it's your (lovely) poem, it's whichever you chose to use :-) :-)
(Note smiley faces, so you don't think I'm being an arse)! Jxx
PS yes I did edit this, just for clarity :-) Jx
Thanks Jane
I suspected that was the case - one of those area differences. The word Pop in England has a different meaning in America. ( As an example )
Love Mand xxx
Rula , and others
just thought I'd jump in here for a quick remark....
berries do not have pits
I know of no exceptions, but who knows?
Hi Al
seeds = pips by definition,
seeds = pips by definition, but not pits. When it comes to berries ( here in the USA)
no one would say strawberry pits, blueberry pits...because berries don't have pits!
word usage varies from place to place, so I can't speak of other locales' particular vernacular.
Well
I think the term artistic licence has a lot of value in it :-) :-) :-) Jxx
:) :)
Hey friends
I went for cooking an hour or so and came back to find this wonderful discussion. I am learning something new everyday.
I wonder if cherries work as an alternative to berries?
Cherries
Ummmm, but they aren't ripe in May, well not where I am anyway :-) Jxx
Mmmmmmm
I thought there is no exact reference to May, but Summer in general.
Me pedantic - never :-)
Yes, you're right :-) however, summer hasn't started in your poem, just on the way in, so still no cherries :-) in UK, but possibly swimming in them in Palestine.
Now in the Southern Hemisphere.................. Lol Jxx
Haha
You're so sweet Jane. I however loathe to change the whole rhyme scheme for this detail. Come on. Be kind :)
Show some mercy ;) :)
Mercy
Fortunately mercy comes in the form of artistic licence :-) and it being your poem, to have as you like :-) Jxx
Oh thank you
dear. Really appreciate it.
In defense of "I will eat the
In defense of "I will eat the fruit and leave you the pits"
Use of the word "will" to me indicated that the fruit has still not arrived and "leave you the pits" was perceived by me that Rula will denude all the blueberry shrubs in the pit of the fruit and leave nothing for others who will come searching for them.....what a selfish girl she is :)
Anyways the discussion is interesting and shows how the same poem is perceived differently by the readers..
Raj
I'm really happy you've received this with a sporting spirit. Hope no one is offended. ;)
I would have gathered you all to enjoy the ealy picking season, but there is NO ONE single cherry tree in the whole country here where I live, that's why I said I'd eat all the fruits by myself :)
Selfish ha?
Not me, Never :)
Hi Rula
Yes! I looked it up on google - pits is a valid word for the large single seed or stone in soft bodied fruits such as plums and cherries. ( never heard of it until today ).
Your poem is spot on! Well crafted and a brilliant triolet.
Well done Rula - nice write
Love Mand xxx
Ah!
Ah finally? What a relief :)
Where is Jane? ;)
Thanks dear Mand. Highly appreciated
Can't see
the point of the argument. Even if you wrote "I'll eat the fruits and leave you the pips" it would have been a perfectly acceptable rhyme. The hint that a word is rhyme driven should only occur where it's obvious replacement is significantly different from the word used. (my humble opinion)
It's only because
such forms depend mainly on a perfect rhymes and a strict rhyme scheme, but I of course agree with you.
Many thanks Mr. Logan
Kernel
Kernel
I think we have neglected this one.............. :-)
Hehe. Jxxx
Jane - hehe
isn't that military speak - only joking! :) :)
Mand xxx
love this write Rula
But I think your syllable count is out in most of your verses
To the best of my knowledge, the triolet is written in iambic tetrameter ( or just 8 syllables - the French count syllables, and this is a French form so you'd probably get away with that)
I'm sure you will easily fix the verses lengths
eg:.... as spring retreats and summer hits....
Best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx
Hello Judyanne
nice to see you. Hope you'd stick around :)
As for the poem, I tried to keep a consistent meter and rhyme scheme.
As I checked the three links provided by Johnathan, non emphasized the 8 syllables' count nor the iambic tetrameter. Some example are a mix of 8, 9, 10 syllables. So I assumed it's not obligatory to stick to a certain count. But you know better, you are the expert. :)
no, no expert
Just giving the rules for the French form .....English make up their own when it comes to using French form...... syllable count works for French (with even more complicated rules than English i mighe add lol) and meter for English ... (that is putting it simply) ...... but the triolet is usually written in iambic meter in the English form
I do think all verses should be of the same length, unless you're using iambic.... then perhaps feminine lines may be acceptable....
But no - no expert here .... don't know what the judge wants ... was just trying to be helpful
xxxx