i only heard a sound that day,
day went out with silence;
sound followed.
songs of angels fell,
my listening ears fancied them well.
i only heard a sound that day
a few clouds spotted
with birds flew over,
upturned
faces listening--
small wind blew through
blue-green pine needles,
sky turned grey.
i only heard a sound that day,
lonesome
and glad for it.
sound of quiet laughter
children make
at play.
mcdonalds sold its
trillionth burger,
more cattle died--
we all need shoes.
i only heard a sound that day.
huge snow fell, dupont opened
new laboratories, while
last summer’s
cattails finally fell into the bog.
stop lights flashed red--
go lights flashed green--
the whole world stopped and went
in a dream,
while dead trees stood
guard over their
young ones.
i only heard a sound that day.
while earth
spun round,
sound of blistering
light speed,
that made no
sound at all.
Comments
Thank you, Shirley. Victor
Thank you, Shirley.
Victor
Victor:
Damn.
This is marvelous, just marvelous. I keep reading it, and keep finding new intricacies of meaning and thought.
I mean damn, it's Zen to me, so Zen I can hear the Hand Clapping Alone.
There's so much here that I hesitate to name any one section, but I must...
"stop lights flashed red--
go lights flashed green--
the whole world stopped and went
in a dream,
while dead trees stood
guard over their
young ones."
What an incredible image this is, for me.
So very well done.
Jim,
Jim,
I guess you liked this piece. I am very pleased.
Thank you so much.
Ciao,
Victor
Hey Victor
Is late, so I hope I do a good job on the critique.
The poem is very interesting. It reminds me of a
nature show on discovery channel. Where there is film
of a field of flowers growing, blooming, fading.. sped up
till we see the whole cycle in a matter of minutes.
The first part of the poem, starts a little slow for me, there
is some confusion and contradiction in those first two
stanzas. I am unsure of the song of angels, although I love
that idea, if sound has gone, where and what is the song of
angels?
The 3rd stanza, I like the images you are planting. I only have
One suggestion there..:
“I only heard a sound that day
a few clouds spotted
with birds flew over,” might you change the word flew? Birds fly, yes,
but do clouds? The wording, to me, makes it read as if it is the clouds
which are flying…perhaps that is your intention.
I like the 4th verse. It is clever you are speaking of silence, yet
your poem is full of sounds, comforting sounds. Nice.
I like the bits of unrelated information, like the McDonalds and
flashing red & green lights, trees guarding their young.
Stanza 6:
“huge snow fell,…..” When I read this, I get an image of big
chunks of snow falling from the sky. Might you reword that some?
I am not sure if you mean a lot of snow accumulated, or the
flakes are huge.
The end stanza, to me, brings the whole poem real meaning
and vision. There is more of a feeling to it other than a precise
logic.
I enjoyed this work and it gave me something to really think about.
I would love to see you work on it a bit though.
Always,
Tonya
Tonya,
Tonya,
Since I wrote this poem nearly 40 years ago, and have worked it just the way I like it, I think that I will leave it as is.
Thanks for the read and comments.
Ciao,
Victor
Yes,
Please leave the work as it is. If you are writing strictly for yourself and are happy with your end results, you should not alter it.
Since neopoet is a workshop, I try to treat it like it is. All of the indepth reviews I write will be honest. There is no malicious intent involved. A lot people do not really like to hear others see a road to improving their skill. You are
viewing from the authors standpoint and I, from the readers.
Happy writing!
Sincerely,
Tonya
sound
I think this may be one of your most descriptive writes. I only question the " dupont " line as it seems misplaced in this poem......scribbler
Scribbler,
Scribbler,
"I only question the " dupont " line as it seems misplaced in this poem......scribbler"
Why misplaced. I think it is perfect there. Think of the time context, if you will. I wrote this poem in about 1972 before the Vietnam War was over. DuPont was (and is) still making poison to destroy peoples' health. I could have said Dow Chemical instead who were/are just as culpable. One of Dow's employees, Dr. Louis Fieser invented napalm. So, if you think of context, DuPont is an essential part of this lyric, at least for me. Why am I defending this work? I don't have a clue. Sheeeeeeeit!
Ciao,
Victor
oh
did not realize when poem was written nor did I mean to offend . I definitely don't EVER expect folks to defend their works and I apologize if I led you to do so.......stan