William Lynn
William Lynn
Sep 28, 2023
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week September 24th To September 30th 2023.

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A SON LIT WORLD

I'm sure it's every parents dream
If it could be fulfilled,
To have a child like my son
Any parent would be thrilled.

A little boy my gift, my hope
Did I know how to show the way?
I really knew so very little
But perhaps I'd learn someday.

I dreamed about the plans I had
Could I show him the way to go?
Would my love and family values
Teach the things he'd need to know?

The years passed by so quickly
With my boy so kind and fair,
Then before I ever knew it
A man - beyond compare.

His kindness a special virtue
His care for others amazing too,
He's the finest man one could know
Souls like him are far too few.

Each day he shines a special light
As bright as the revolving morning sun,
My world revolves around this man
That's why I call him son.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: September 28th is National Son's Day and I wanted to write this poem for the most decent human being I know, my son.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: ID

Favorite Poets: My favorite poets are:

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses a narrative structure to convey the speaker's journey of parenthood, from the uncertainties of raising a child to the pride in seeing the man the child has become. The sentiment is clear and relatable, making it accessible to a wide range of readers.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout, but at times, the rhythm feels forced, disrupting the natural flow of the poem. For instance, the line "Would my love and family values" has one syllable more than the preceding line, which can make it feel slightly off-beat. Consider revising such lines to maintain a consistent rhythm.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the poem's emotions are clear, the use of more concrete images could help the reader connect more deeply with the speaker's experience. For example, instead of stating "His kindness a special virtue," you could illustrate a specific instance of the son's kindness.

Lastly, the poem could explore more complex emotions. While the love and pride the speaker feels for their son are evident, introducing some conflict or tension could add depth to the poem. This could be a moment of doubt, a challenge the son overcame, or a struggle in their relationship. This would not only make the poem more engaging but also provide a more nuanced portrayal of parenthood.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

To your son! Emotional and honest. It sounds as if your son had a remarkable father as well. Great job

Lavender

Hello, William,
Well written. So happy that you have such a powerful relationship with your son! I share your sentiments, as I have an adult son of my own. Wonderful title, and lovely poem.
Thank you!
L