judyanne
judyanne
Sep 27, 2012

someone

there's someone out there somewhere in forever
my complement, regardless where I am
in ageless rhythm with my soul-mate’s heart
I celebrate the beauty of existence

our purpose and agendas always rhyme
my someone knows my innermost desires
through time, through void and through the in-between
he travels with me, daydreams them with me

we missed each other in this manifest
imposters tempt and try my very soul
but I will wait until this sojourn ends
see out this mission here now on my own

I’ll find at journey’s cusp we weren’t apart
as this illusion’s tool is separation
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

More from this author

Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 7 months ago

Having spent 30 odd years thinking along those lines, you best pick up the phone and go for it, I wasted a lifetime in one way or another just doing what others thought I should do.
Lovely sad write, Yours Ian.T

judyanne

this is an attempt at a blank verse sonnet, but i'm really not yet happy with the last two lines

love judy
xxx

Ian.T

The last two lines, well I can only suggest something along the lines of:-

To seek the reason for being so apart
Though this separation is illusion’s tool.

But as you know poetic form is not my thing, and as this is a sonnet ,then that is why I have said something along these lines, your ending at the moment is a little harsh, Yours Ian.T

loved

loved

12 years 7 months ago

but if you could think of replacing

inmost with innermost

and
journey with my branded word
sojourn
it may add flavour to the stone.
but you are free to LOL!
and let all be alone

loved

its only my reading
as i don't know much about iambic etc
fundamentals of poetry
never learned it

judyanne

i used both your suggestions after all loved - thank you
(i replaced two words so then the iambic wasn't lost)
love judy
xxx

Candlewitch

I think the last two lines really make the poem! I wish you wouldn't change them.

always, Cat

Rula

Rula

12 years 7 months ago

I think the closing lines are working good with the rest of the poem unless you have something else in your mind.

PS. I wonder if the blank verse follow the same meter of the rhyming one. I see that some lines don't scan like iambic

judyanne

as i told cat, i didn't like the last lines.. what do you think of them now?

i'd be really interested as to the lines that didn't scan as iambic for you rula, as it is a sonnet and therefore (blank verse or not) should be iambic pentameter

oh - you might have to look in the revisions to find them, as i have changes a few lines :)

thanks again
love judy
xxx

judyanne

i didn't change any lines as part of an iambic problem, so i would still be interested in which ones you didn't think parsed
thanks
xxx

and
see OUT this MISSion HERE now ON my OWN
- seems ok to me ?

thanks rula
love judy
xxx

Rula

the last two lines where I suspected the iambic is down
and I would never unstress "see" and stress "HERE" but may be it depends on loud reading?

judyanne

is i was interested, for my own benefit, exactly which lines you thought were out - no matter that i have changed them - for future reference for either myself or you

and as for stressing 'see' - i think stresses on some words depend as to where they are placed, and what words surround (which directs the text and context) and with 'out' placed after 'see' here, i stress 'out' not 'see'

just my opinion mind
(((smiles))))

thanks rula
love judy
xxx

weirdelf

did you mean 'imposters' or 'imposter's'? See the huge difference with enjambment? Don't know which one you meant.

I rather like the last two lines from my cynical perspective, but perhaps

and in my life's detachment I have leaned
That separation is illusions tool

or something like that.

judyanne

i'm not sure where you get sense using the apostrophe....
imposters tempt and try my very soul
imposter's tempt and try my very soul ??
to me it doesn't read correct grammar... but maybe i'm missing something?

anyway - thanks for the idea for the final couplet... i used some of it... i think it's getting better

love judy
xxx

Esker

Esker

12 years 7 months ago

Illusionist/s..someone something some muse directs fate
paths route/s separate separateness separated
the twin halves one...

love the idea opened here for thoughts on last lines..

S

Damned because I suck at them I guess. But if you're not happy with last 2 lines you could try :
and find at my trek's end we weren't apart
for seperation does not affect souls.........................................stan

Esker

Esker

12 years 7 months ago

There is a movie out there that Paul Newman bought
for his wife and he made the movie..
its called
"The effects of man in the moon marigolds and gamma
rays" It was filmed in Toronto Ontario Canada I think

He put her in lead and the movie is a cult classic

weirdelf

I pity the poor young poet who comes here and gets so many suggestions they suffer "baby with bathwater" syndrome. You, on the other hand, know what you want and choose what you need to make it better.
[thunderous applause from the archetypal consciousness that is Neopoet]